This just in! Mattel has announced it will soon be selling 15 updated versions of Barbie’s boyfriend, Ken. The new line of dolls will introduce a more diverse collection of fellas to include various skin tones and body types. All this to go along with the updated adaptation Barbie has undergone in recent months.
I’m all for making Barbie and Ken more realistic. But. BUT. Have a gander at this douchebag:
That’s right. It’s Manbun Ken.
Now, I can’t be sure, but I assume he comes with the following accessories:
- An ironic “Wolf-Howling-at-the-Moon” tee shirt
- Kombucha
- A ukulele, with which he can play just one chord
- A vape pen
- A collection of barista aprons he stole from the various coffee shops from which he was fired
- A load of laundry he’d like to do at your place if it’s not too much trouble
- A smug superiority complex
- Student loan debt
- A credit rating of negative thirty
I’ve heard of Malibu Barbie, but is this Portland Ken? Because if so, methinks he’s going to surf on your couch for three weeks and then somehow ghost out of your life, never to be heard from again.
When I look at this manchild of a figurine, I can’t help but have questions.
Is his manbun larger than the amorphous bulge standard Ken dolls have in lieu of privates?
Will he mansplain to Barbie how the electoral college works every four years?
Is he going to put down his friends for working an honest job at Barbie McDonald’s because of some obscure objection he has to cattle farming?
Is he still on his parents’ health insurance even though he’s 30?
Rather than a Barbie Corvette, will he drive around in a shitbox Honda Civic hatchback from 1995?
Did he just call me ma’am? I think he just called me ma’am.
I’ll bet that asshole grew up in the Barbie Dream House, totally unaware of his white privilege, yet he thinks he’s woke because he has a token black friend. Oh God, I hate him so much already. You know, I never thought I’d miss old Combover Ken, yet here we are.
My children are too young for Barbies, but you best believe I’m not letting them have a Manbun Ken, and it’s not because I’m against letting little boys play with dolls. Oh no. I just don’t want my son to get any ideas.
What will they think of next? Facial Tattoo Ken? Lazy Gamer Ken? Stay tuned, folks. You’re going to need us at Sammiches & Psych Meds to guide you through these uncharted waters.