By Amber Leventry
Parents often use books as a way to educate their confused, greedy, or empathy-deficient children about the ways of the world. Some books meant for young readers carry gentle and simple storylines; others, like the ones in the Berenstain Bears series, follow a more direct, get-your-shit-together message for the tiny tyrant disrupting the house.
Mama Bear wasn’t messing around when it came to things like manners, acceptance, and honesty. Recently, Mama Bear dug out her best blue and white spotted muumuu to address the crowd at the Bears March on Washington.
“Smokey shouldn’t be the only bear who is part of the resistance. Someone needs to sit down with Donald Trump and this pile of books so that Mama Bear can take the unruly toddler in The White House to task!” While speaking, she clutched about 10 paperback books in her paws and then threw them in the air in what can only be described as disgusted celebration.
To let him know these lessons truly apply to him, the moral of each story has been rewritten to reflect Trump’s bad behavior. Mama Bear hopes he gets the message, but realizes change may take time.
“Donald Trump is not bright. Those little hints at the beginning of each book, the ones that force us to take a hard look at ourselves, will need to be thoroughly explained to him. My hope is that the updated versions for each story will allow lightbulbs of guilt and understanding to go off in his teeny-tiny brain. Until then, I hope he chokes on one of his unhealthy lunches from Burger King.”
Dr. Gert Grizzly was seen high-fiving Professor Actual Factual upon hearing this comment.
Advance reader copies were sent to Capitol Hill but cannot be purchased for several more weeks. However, Mama Bear was kind enough to provide the old and new rhymes of morality for each updated book so Americans can get a sense of what she is trying to teach Trump and his supporters:
The Berenstain Bears and the Truth
Original quote: “No matter how you hope, no matter how you try, you can’t make truth out of a lie.”
Trump version: Your ego is too big; journalists are not paid to stroke it. You’re a liar and comedy bit.
The Berenstain Bears’ New Neighbors
“Uh-oh. Some nearby neighbors moved away. Now who’s coming here to stay?”
“We have new neighbors. They look different and worship another God. Diversity is not a reason to get our panties in a wad.”
The Berenstain Bears and the Trouble With Friends
“When making friends, the cub who’s wise is the cub who learns to compromise.”
“Let’s create boundaries without creating a wall; smart leaders are nice to all.”
The Berenstain Bears and Too Much TV
“When the TV is on all day without rest, Mama knows it’s too much, and Mama knows best.”
“The American government is not a reality show. Think more about gaining respect and less about the ratings you want to grow.”
The Berenstain Bears Go Green
“Going green isn’t hard to do. It’s good for the earth and me, and you, too!”
“Greenhouse emissions, oil spills, and temperatures are on the rise. Fresh air, clean water and science should not be compromised.”
The Berenstain Bears and Mama’s New Job
“When Mama gets home too late for a meal, how will the cubs and Papa Bear feel?”
“Mama wants to work. She’ll choose her own attire. Equal pay is what she really desires.”
The Berenstain Bears Go To the Doctor
“Take a deep breath. Stick out your tongue. Come see Doctor Grizzly while you are young.”
“Your plan for insurance coverage is not fair. Should bears really be forced to choose between groceries and health care?”
The Berenstain Bears’ Trouble at School
“When a problem at school is kept secret too long, it can grow ‘til a cub thinks everything’s wrong!
“Resources are scarce, teachers are struggling, and students are failing. They are not the ones who are wrong; all transgender, vulnerable, and marginalized kids belong.”
The Berenstain Bears’ Moving Day
“Their stuff is all packed! Here comes the truck! Let’s move with the Bears and wish them good luck.”
“New neighbors, new schools, and new friends can be tough, but even the president needs to make changes. Move your family and stop wasting our wages.”
The Berenstain Bears No Girls Allowed
“Is it so important that he and she bears aren’t the same when what really matters is how we play the game?”
“Uteruses and pussies are not up for grabs. When making important decisions about reproductive rights and sexual desire, it’s best to let women conspire.”
Pre-orders are available everywhere books are sold, and proceeds will benefit the Public Broadcasting System.
About the Author
Amber Leventry is a writer and SAHM. She tries to be good at both each day, but never the twain shall meet. She lives in Vermont with her partner, the kids, and their attention deprived dog. Her writing appears on The Next Family, Parent.co, Scary Mommy, BLUNTmoms, Huffington Post, and The Advocate. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.