I am a tired mom of two toddlers and some days getting out of bed seems like too much effort. Making dinner, the last real task I have to complete before putting the kids to bed, takes so much thought and effort and fortitude, and sometimes I just don’t have it in me.

Chop chop, rescue my son off the kitchen table, stir stir, reassure my daughter that her baby doll is not going to be eaten by dragons, boil boil, look at the clock and try to figure out how early I can put them to bed, etc.

You feel me?

Sometimes I deserve a night off, damnit. No cooking or cleaning or picking up errant pieces of pasta off of the floor. We all deserve a night off and I’ve done my best to make it possible for you.

Here are 5 non-traditional, basic, slightly crass “recipes” anyone can follow in order to give you some peace and quiet and the opportunity to read People in the bathtub. Let them fend for themselves!

Salad

1. Hack off a chunk of iceberg lettuce for every member of your family.
2. Give each family member a bowl with their desired dressing.
3. Dip hunk of lettuce into the dressing and eat.

Sandwich

1. Take out two pieces of bread.
2. Spread and slather condiments on bread.
3. Slap meat and cheese and shit onto one piece of bread.
4. Put other piece of bread on top and eat.

Soup

1. Locate can opener without bugging your mother.
2. Open can of soup.
3. Pour into bowl and eat.
4. (Optional) Before eating, place in the microwave for three minutes or however long you feel like waiting.

Macaroni and Cheese

1. Follow instructions on the damn box.
2. If that’s too hard, bring a bunch of water to a boil (that means there will be bubbles.)
3. Pour in macaroni.
4. Check your Facebook, Twitter, and other social media accounts
5. Drain macaroni using a colander you found all by yourself. The noodles will probably be mushy because you need to spend less time on your phone.
6. Pour macaroni back into the pot.
7. Add cheese powder, milk, and butter. Don’t measure. You don’t care that much. Just grab a fork and eat.

Take-Out

1. Call a restaurant.
2. Ask for food.
3. Wait at the door like an eager puppy until it arrives.
4. Tip the driver for not being weirded out by the fact you are way too excited to see him, close the door, and eat.
5. THROW YOUR TRASH IN THE TRASH CAN. DO NOT LEAVE IT OUT AND EXPECT YOUR MOTHER TO THROW IT AWAY FOR YOU.

You’re welcome, moms.

This post was originally published on Is It Bedtime Yet?