Dear Editor of the Mushroom Kingdom Tribune:
I hope this letter finds you well. Thank you for allowing this piece to run. My twin brother and I run a plumbing business that covers all of Mushroom Kingdom. We are running out of options on how to proceed with doing our job and are begging the residents to help us out and listen to us.
Mushroom Kingdom, like all other kingdoms far and wide, has been stricken down with case after case after case of COVID-19. Residents have started to stockpile toilet paper with such ferocity that the shelves are stripped completely bare moments after being stocked. Do you have any idea what too much toilet paper being flushed down the pipes does? Have you ever seen the absolute overhaul of a sewer pipe that has been clogged and needs to be repaired? We have. My brother and I have been running ragged, day and night to fix the pipes.
We have a very diverse kingdom here with several different species. While we do have humans, of course, like our stunningly beautiful Princess Peach, and my brother and I, we also have toads, Yoshis, goombas, Koopas, and boos, to name a few. The fact of the matter is, the differences in fecal matter really adds an extra challenge on our pipes and the amount of toilet paper used.
Since COVID-19 was announced, we have gone out several times a day, every single day, to unclog something. We are the only plumbers in all of Mushroom Kingdom and we are working 20-hour days to serve the land we love so much, but we are at our wit’s ends.
Take these tips and tricks to heart: only buy the toilet paper if you absolutely need the toilet paper. If you have a ton on hand, you are more prone to overuse it. Stop being all willy-nilly with your TP usage. Single ply does NOT make it easier on your septic tank. You buy single ply, but end up using twice as much to get the job done.
Our biggest tip would be the one we use: invest in a bidet. It is an exhilarating feeling and you are left fresh and clean with no blocked up pipes. No clogged up pipes means more time for us to do our moonlighting job, you know, the one where we are tasked with finding Princess Peach when she is kidnapped and we have to rescue her.
Please, fellow residents, some who are our friends and some who are our foes, we are begging you that we all come together in these times of COVID-19 to keep our eyes on the prize: defeat COVID-19 and defeat Bowser.
Thank you all for your time. As always, if you need us, you know where to reach us.
Mario & Luigi