By Karen Johnson of The 21st Century SAHM
Well, friends, it’s happening. We’ve barely had time to recover from RedCupGate, and now this news has befallen us.
You’ve probably heard of the sacrilegious “War on Christmas” that is plaguing our good Christian society. Well, Apple Wood Valley Elementary School has done just that. This school is leading the charge, eradicating any and all semblance of Christmas, OF JOY, in the hopes other schools will follow. The school board of this “prestigious suburban mecca of tolerance” (their words, not mine) has officially declared war on Christmas via their new student handbook (more like the DEVIL’s handbook) regarding the holiday season.
I, for one, am furious at this blasphemous infringement on my rights and plan on protesting. Apple Wood Valley Elementary, you cannot take my religion from me!
The new official Apple Wood Valley Elementary student handbook (of EVIL) states the following:
Dear Apple Wood Valley Elementary School faculty and students,
In the interest of fairness and tolerance during the holiday season, the following rules and regulations must be abided during the months of November and December:
1. Attire: There will be no wearing of green or red by students or faculty.
2. Word Usage: There will be no use of the words “merry” or “happy” unless used at the end of a sentence. For example, “I am happy” is permissible. (As long as the reason the child is “happy” does not violate any of the rules stated here.)
(Amendment): The school board has amended the list of prohibited words to include the word “joy.”
3. Shape Usage: Use of green triangles is prohibited in all classrooms for fear that they could be perceived as Christmas trees.
(Amendment): Also non-permissible: stars
4. Decorations: In addition to standard Christmas decor such as candy canes and reindeer, the following are prohibited.
a. Snowflakes. This offends students who have lived/ may someday live/ have relatives who live in the South and do not see snow in the winter.
b. Icicles (see above)
c. Snowmen (see above)
d. Sleds (see above)
e. Gingerbread, both as snack and decor, are prohibited. The story of the gingerbread man is far too disturbing for children and has no place in the serene environment here at Apple Wood Valley Elementary School.
f. Pine cones, as the removal of pine cones from nature is cruel to Mother Earth. They are meant to grow on trees and fall from trees, where they naturally and happily decompose to become one with the soil once again. They are not meant to be harvested for painting and glitter projects in the classroom.
g. Holly leaves and berries (We aren’t yet sure why, but we know they are bad. So we put them on this list.)
h. Mistletoe (Obviously. We don’t want them getting pregnant!)
5. Acceptable classroom decor: blue cats and orange snails.
6. The following is a year-round rule: There will be no clasping of hands in any activity. Clapping of hands must never result in an accidental clasping. Also, students may only look at shoes, the ground, or lap, for a maximum of 2 seconds (lest it be perceived they are praying).
Thank you for your cooperation in this manner. Enjoy the time in December and January when we are not in school—For reasons we must never discuss. Ever.
(Infractions will result in punishments, including, but not limited to: detentions, suspensions, and mandatory support of Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. If we can’t teach you to embrace our liberal views, we’ll force them upon you.)
Well, there you have it, folks. The heathens have spoken. All we can do is pray for their souls. Although I don’t see the point as they are headed straight for the fiery depths of HELL. These actions are unforgivable. The only redeemable point is 4h. That mistletoe is the devil’s work.
Yes, the Lord forgives. But not this. No stars?! HILLARY CLINTON?! What the hell is wrong with these people? Oh, shit, I swore. Dammit. Dammit, I did it again. Do you see what living in this cesspit of moral decay has done to me?
I’ll be homeschooling my children for the holiday seasons from here on out. But only in November and December. I mean, let’s be honest. Mama needs to get her hair and nails done and attend Bible study sometime.
About the Author
Karen Johnson is a former English teacher turned SAHM to three small monsters. She began writing a few years ago, as she found her brain atrophying into a watery blob and the rest of her drowning in a sea of poop and pee and boogers. Her blog The 21st Century SAHM is a cathartic mix of sarcasm, angry rants, and heartfelt confessions of how she’s screwing up her kids. Find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.