Ever have those days where nothing — and I mean nothing — seems to go your way? How about days where you just want to vagina punch every person you encounter? Me too.
There are so many things out there that can make us stabby. Here are just a few of them:
1. Spilling coffee on your light colored shirt or pants. “Hello, everyone. My name is Lola, and I’m a slob.”
2. Slow drivers in the left lane. Move your ass over before I ram your rear end and join you in your back seat.
3. People who don’t have their cash/checks/coupons ready in the checkout line. Are they surprised by suddenly having found themselves at the front of the line? Were they not expecting this?
4. Parents who think their Satan spawns’ terrorist-like public behavior is “cute.” It’s not cute. Not one bit.
5. Car seats that won’t buckle easily. Christ on a cracker, what is up with those things?
6. Meetings about meetings. Because nothing spells productivity like taking time away from work tasks to talk about how unproductive everyone is.
7. Bills. Enough said.
8. Automated customer service lines. I want to yell at a real, live person, thankyouverymuch.
9. Stores that have eleventy billion people ready to pay and only 2 checkout lanes open. Especially when there are dozens of workers just milling about, directing people to the wrong aisles and harassing customers with repeated offers to “help you find something.” I SAID NO, ASSHOLE. LEAVE ME ALONE.
10. People who chew with their mouths open. Were you raised in a pasture? No, seriously. I want to know if you were fucking raised amongst livestock.
11. Liquor stores that are closed on Sundays. God doesn’t hate mimosas. He told me so.
12. People who don’t hold the door for others. Oh, don’t worry about it. It would only take you an extra second to help, but I should be able to do it myself while wrangling my 3 kids and these 6 bags of groceries. Really, IT’S FINE.
13. People who don’t say “thank you” when someone else holds the door for them. YOU’RE WELCOME.
14. Doctors who consistently make you wait an hour or more despite you having arrived on time or early for your appointment. Clearly your patient schedule doesn’t work. MAKE A NEW PATIENT SCHEDULE.
15. Cable or phone companies who say they’ll show up anytime between 8 and 5 on Mon, Tue, or Wed and you have to be there or they’ll leave. So you take 3 days off work, and they show up while you’re in the bathroom battling a serious case of the whistle belly thump, forcing you to reschedule for next week.
16. People who talk loudly on their cell phones — or worse, use those douchey Bluetooth thingies so you never know if they’re talking to you or not — in public. Get a grip on yourself. Please.
18. Mark Zuckerberg.
19. Fast food restaurants that get your order wrong. Consistently.
20. Doctor’s office forms. WHY DO I HAVE TO WRITE THE SAME INFORMATION ON 6 DIFFERENT FORMS?
21. People who are rude to wait staff. These people are handling your food, bruh. Think about THAT for a minute.
22. Wireless phone stores. HOW CAN THEY NEVER HAVE ENOUGH STAFF TO HELP EVERYONE? It’s not like the number of customers they get per day is a surprise.
23. Christmas ads in September. Just stop it already.
24. Back to school ads in July. I will kick you in the ovaries, advertising specialists.
26. Dora the Explorer. Tell me to vamonos one more time, Dora.
27. Public restrooms. Talk about a case of the crotch cooties just waiting to happen.
28. Airline travel. Hey, let’s all squeeze into this flying metallic bullet and swap influenza whilst stuck on a tarmac for 14 hours. Good times.
29. Traffic jams. The thought of being stuck on a tiny sliver of concrete amid a wide-open world just waiting for me to travel across it drives me to the brink of homicide.
30. Kanye West. I just can’t even.