I’m sure you’ve all seen a plethora of Life Hacks making their rounds on social media — those clever ways to make your life easier using simple household items in ways you never imagined possible.
Put money inside the wrapper of a period pad in your purse to prevent people from stealing it.
Use a pants hanger to hold a book or document in front of your face while you type on your computer or cook.
Use a toilet paper roll to hold a tube of wrapping paper together.
While these Life Hacks are truly spectacular, I’ve noticed that many people I come in contact with in daily life aren’t ready to stretch their imaginations beyond using the items in their lives for their intended purposes. These people are in need of something a bit simpler. Forget Life Hacks. It would appear Life Lessons are more suitable.
So I present you with Life Hacks for Dumbasses: Tips and tricks for navigating the world without pissing a bunch of people off or completely failing at life.
Use those yellow or white lines in a parking lot as a guide for where to put your car. (Hint: It should be between them.)
Use the 15 Items or Less line at the grocery store only when you have…wait for it…15 or fewer items.
Use the side of the road you drive on in the country in which you live as a guide for the side of an aisle/hallway/sidewalk you should walk on.
Use the nifty lever to the right or left of your steering wheel — also known as a blinker — to indicate which direction you plan to turn. Once activated, the blinker will, and this is amazing, blink in that direction.
Antiperspirant — from the Greek anti, meaning against, and the Latin per spirare, meaning to breathe through — is a clever little product designed to prevent perspiration. Use it on your armpits to keep your stanky ass from offending the olfactories of passersby.
Use the posted minimum speed limit as a guide for, and this might seem crazy, the minimum speed you should travel on a road.
Use the arms on your body (if possible) to hold doors open for others also entering or exiting a building and the lips on your mouth/vocal cords in your throat (also if possible) to offer a “thank you” when someone does the same for you.
Use the left lane of a multi-lane highway or expressway for passing only.
Use the “silent” or “vibrate” function on your cell phone while in public movie theaters, restaurants, meetings, schools, and religious institutions, and whatever you do, don’t carry on a conversation with a caller on volume eleventy thousand. It will keep your inherent rudeness from shining through and prevent others from wanting to murder your face.
Use your legs, wheelchair, walkaide, etc. to keep your forward momentum going on a busy sidewalk or in a busy aisle/hallway. This will prevent a people jam and/or intentional shanking.
Use your brain to anticipate what you’ll need to have ready in the checkout line of a store (checkbook, coupons, etc.) to avoid holding up the line, and have that shit ready at checkout.
Use the lever or button on the back of a toilet to flush your bodily excrement down it when you’re finished.
Use wherever the end of a line is as an indicator of where you should stand when you first approach it.
There’s this ingenious receptacle called a garbage can. Use it to dispose of your disgusting trash.
Use the porcelain thing in the bathroom from which water magically flows out of a spout to wash the tuberculosis off your hands before reentering public.
What other Life Hacks — er — bits of common sense did I miss?