By Amber Leventry of Family Rhetoric by Amber Leventry
After the devastating wildfires, crippling hurricanes, and dividing racial tensions in our country, the LGBTQ community has decided to take one for humanity.
Spokesperson for the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Community, Angela Gray, has announced the group’s willingness to take blame for the United States’ state of disrepair. In a press release, Gray made this statement:
On behalf of my queer brothers and sisters, we, the LGBTQ community, have decided to set aside all logic, facts, actual truth, and fear of further persecution. We have collectively agreed that our great nation stands for more than our rights as humans and have decided to take full responsibility for all of the horrible things happening in our country.
The LGBTQ community is loud and proud, yet a small drop in the bucket. We are clearly a minority with a major propensity to cause problems. If we cannot make the world a better place with love and equality, we will do our best to make it better by shouldering the weight of all wrongs. We anticipate blue skies, peaceful racial diversity, the end of homelessness and poverty, cures for all diseases, and the elimination of all forms of abuse.
We do not want thanks or praise for this. Rather, the LGBTQ community apologizes for not making this statement sooner.
Jeffery Peen, Christian father-of-six, saw the press release on his Fox News feed, but found a gaping omission in Gray’s statement.
“What about all those people gettin’ killed in mass shootings? Ain’t those fags gunna admit they caused them too?” Peen posted on his Facebook page.
After Peen’s Facebook post went viral, Gray was forced to issue another statement:
The LGBTQ community tried to address the subject of gun violence in America. Yet it seems that no number is too high when it comes to counting deaths in mass shootings. Those blaming us for natural disasters and incurable and unpredictable illnesses will not allow us to take the fall on this one because too many Americans don’t believe there is a gun problem in our country.
The NRA and confederate-flag-wearing white men in this country won’t take the blame, but they won’t allow us to take the blame either. To admit fault is to admit there is a problem. Taking responsibility would be taking guns out of their hands.
Peen, while seemingly confused after reading Gray’s statement, nodded in agreement. “Yeah,” he said. “Guns don’t kill people. Terrorists do.”
Angela Gray was last heard screaming into a pillow.
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About the Author
Amber Leventry is a writer and advocate. She lives in Vermont with her partner, the kids, and their attention-deprived dog. Her writing appears on The Next Family, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, Babble, Ravishly, Huffington Post, Longreads, and The Washington Post. She also runs Family Rhetoric by Amber Leventry, a Facebook page devoted to advocating for LGBTQ families one story at a time. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @amberleventry.