Brothers, I’m writing this to make you all aware of an issue that has become front and center in the discussion of civil discourse. I’m talking, of course, about the name “Chad.” My name, which has been turned into a derogatory term for all of us brothers. And it’s not just me; Brad and Thad have also come under fire from people who don’t know the first things about the struggles we face. Just look at what I found online the other day:
— Ryan Cannella (@DRCannella) July 2, 2019
I mean, what’s up with that!? The internet used to be a place to find sluts and then put up our post-smash selfies. But now, we’re under attack! Do I like a nice tight 6″ inseam on my Vineyard Vines? Damn straight! Can I crush a twelver of Claws out on the links? You’re goddamned skippy! These are things to be proud of, not mocked by emo freaks and poors.
Do these losers even know how hard my daddy worked to earn the money to pay for me to get into college? He almost had to sell our guest house in the Hamptons. Don’t worry, though, he realized he could just cut medical insurance from all his undocumented workers. Bros weekend is still on! And for all that hard work, what does he get? Well, just look at what the lamernet (I’m still working on the name) did to him and mommy:
APPLEBEE’S! Are you kidding me!? What are we, middle class? More like Straight Outta Ruth’s Chris, bitches!
So, brothers, as you can see, this is an issue that is coming for all of us. It doesn’t matter if your name is Chad or Kyle or Tripp or even Slurpie (you know, that pledge we caught rimming the Tri Delt), they’re coming for us! It’s just a matter of time before some Becky posts a snap of you doing something dope, but mocks you by calling you “Chad.” We have to reclaim our name and make it great again.
So this Saturday, put on your Sperrys and get ready to rage at the 1st Annual Chad Lives Matter bash. Let’s make everyone know that they can no longer take my name in vain.
About the Author
Topher Paul is a father of three, punk and rap enthusiast, and (cracks knuckles) beer league hockey champion. He is a high school English teacher, and although he has zero accolades, he is widely considered the “cool teacher” by kids who may be more mature. He enjoys making people laugh, but is a social media failure who you can find on Twitter @topherpaul11.