Kim Davis, Room Parent of the Year

We all know about Kim Davis'' political leanings, but what about her kid birthday party throwing skills? This MockMom exclusive gives us all the details.

By Stefani Boutelier of

Kim Davis is the room mom for the third grade class at Jim Crow Elementary. She is also the now infamous Kentucky Civil Rights Leader, ruler of the court system, monarch of the first world, defender of the constitution, and a reincarnated God (also known as a martyr in some circles).

As she planned the back to school party, Davis was convinced the party would not be proper if most students attended the gala she planned for her son’s class. The theme of this year’s party was “War: I have a dream.” At the door she became the party police.

Davis initially sent three boys to the principal’s office for suspected homosexual behavior. It was later discovered the three innocent boys had been kneeling on the carpet trading Pokemon cards. In a statement Mrs. Davis said, “Their bodies were close to each other during that time.”

She refused to throw the party if any kid with an allergy attended because her son really likes peanut butter cups. “Peanuts, dairy, eggs, and gluten don’t cause any problems in my family,” she stated. Four more kids were denied access to the party.

Any third grader who was dressed in inappropriate gender colors, listens to pop music, or reads Harry Potter was out. Four more ran to the library. One young girl was heard chanting, “Every party has a pooper…”

In front of the classroom door, Davis called out down the hall that any student who did not fear God, had no recollection of her God, or could not recite at least 50 lines from the Bible be uninvited. Seven more kids turned and ran away.

Davis was overheard saying, “Y’all, I thought I would get rid of all of ‘em with those requirements, but I had to keep going, gosh derby! I felt the power in me to not include any child with tan coloring or knowing another language. I knew in my heart they wouldn’t have fun.” She gave ginger as the coloring she preferred as bouncer of the party. Adios, dos mas.

When it was party time, four students were there and the substitute teacher (the assigned teacher was on medical leave). Her son, Rush, was there. Davis’ brother’s son, who we later clarified is Rush, her son was there. Rush’s best friend, Red, and Red’s cousin, Smitty were there. Kim, who is repeating third grade for the umpteenth time was the fourth student present at the back to school gala in room 4H at Jim Crow Elementary.

In case you are wondering, the 25th student was celebrating with her dads at the local courthouse trying to avoid Davis’ return to work.

The party only lasted ten minutes. It was an utter failure because Davis had no independent thoughts or activities related to the theme. The crickets chirped and the boring party goers scattered as soon as they ate the two pack of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups and shared a two-liter of Ale 8.

Terrifying update: Kim Davis is now engaged to the substitute teacher to constitute her fourth marriage and will fornicate to have another child out of wedlock. Her beliefs support this. Huckabee supports this.


About the Author

Stefani Boutelier: A mother, writer, and educator trying to rear her children with a sense of humor. She is attempting to start a blog at once she masters the WordPress thing. You might be able to find her on Twitter or Facebook.