It’s back-to-school season, and you know what that means: new clothes for kids to show off to their classmates–classmates named Renfro, or Mary-Charlie, or Cambleton, or some shit. God, I hate these stupid modern children’s names.
And do you know what I’ve found through hours of useless internet research? Kids’ clothes this year are just as ridiculous as their names. (I’m looking at you, Harpleigh.)
That’s right–I spent the better part of an afternoon making fun of ugly children’s attire I found down an internet wormhole because I’m constructive AF. You’re welcome, society. If you’re one of those people who can’t say anything nice, come sit by me. This article is for you!
So kick back, relax, and join me as I give a hearty eye roll to the worst back-to-school gear.
1. Bardot Junior Gemma Velvet Romper
Bexley will be the talk of the town in this romper that looks like a flattened, life-size adult human stomach if it were hung out to dry on a clothesline. Made with uncomfortable velvet and what appears to be some sort of gastric band for a collar, Bexley is sure to sweat her way through lunch.
2. WiFi Dog Sweatshirt
Monticella is sporting a popular top from the hell on earth known as Justice. She’s making a real statement to her friends, and that statement is, “I like pugs, or is it a Boston terrier? IDK but it doesn’t matter because the real love of my life is free WiFi.”
3. Ombre Harem Pants
Julietronica is trying to make harem pants happen. Stop trying to make harem pants happen, Julietronica. They’re never going to happen. Also, the Ombre makes it look like you peed yourself in reverse.
4. Kenzo Tiger Sweatshirt
Blakesby didn’t think Nordstrom could make her look like hot garbage for $215. Nordstrom was all, “Challenge accepted, Blaskeby. Challenge accepted.”
5. Floral Satin Bomber Jacket
Connecticut is just a cute, wholesome girl with a side braid. Everything about her is upper class. That’s why she likes this white trash satin jacket that probably smells like cigarettes and a bowling alley. She’s rebelling.
6. Waterfall Cardigan
I mean, Kenberly’s plaid fringe waterfall cardigan isn’t that bad. It’s just that it’s so long, she’s going to sop up gallons of Elmer’s glue, ketchup, and stale water fountain slime every day she wears it. Oh, Kenberly, you’re so misguided.
7. ‘Cold Shoulder, Warm Picnic’ Shirt
Donaldson’s top can best be described as “the cold shoulder trend meets Dollywood meets a picnic blanket.” She’s party on the top and also nap on the top.
8. Camouflage Tutus
Ashberger likes to dance, but she also likes front-line combat. What better way to show off her sweet moves than with this camo-tutu? Ashberger, you’re one cool chick. It’s just too bad no one can see you behind that camouflage.
9. Skinny Jean Overalls
Are you a hipster farmer, Lillyamika? Because those skinny overalls make me think you prefer locally sourced hemp flour. Just a shame about them being made in a sweatshop. Cognitive dissonance, Lillyamika. It’s how we all survive our world and its contradictions.
10. Adidas Shirtdress
McPolio may only be seven, but she has already given up on life.
11. All the Stupid Shoes
Y’all, I can’t even with the shoes. I spent 15 minutes browsing the shoe section at Justice and I want my life back. From cheap wedge booties, to pompon sneakers, to hightops with scary animals popping out of the tongues, to BDSM rhinestone combat boots, I threw up in my mouth at least eight times.
Bonus item: This Headband
Which is great for beating your head against a wall when you get a load of what you look like, Bexley, Monticella, Julietronica, Blakesby, Connecticut, Kenberly, Donaldson, Ashberger, Lillyamika, and McPolio.
(Apologies to you if you call your daughter any of those horrid names I just made up. But you’re probably not reading this anyway because you love Justice and weird Nordstrom abominations.)
My daughter isn’t in grade school yet, but I’m thinking of preemptively joining the PTA just so I can lobby for uniforms in 2019. Either that or a strict “no shoe pompon” dress code.