By Nicole Johnson of Suburban Sh*t Show: Tales from the Tree-Lined Trenches
I can’t believe the things people come up with. Recently, after my rant about Period Panteez, a friend of mine tossed a gem my way. The Female Urination Device (F.U.D., yes, FUD) or STP (stand-to-pee device; no, I’m not making this shit up) offers ladies the ability to stand while peeing, or to piss like a guy.
I know what you’re thinking: WTF? Initially, I thought the same thing. Why would any woman want such a thing? It looks like some alien version of a female plastic penis, or a beer funnel, and while they come in my favorite color and are reasonably priced, it’s still awkward and unnatural looking.
The ads are unbelievable. First a naked woman stands with the vag gadge in place, and then there’s a picture of her fully-clothed as a steady stream of water (AKA urine) flows from her unzipped fly. Very ladylike—etiquette hounds everywhere are silently screaming because to scream out loud isn’t proper.
Here is what Wikipedia has to offer on the subject:
Female urination devices have increased in popularity since the 1990s. They are used for outdoor pursuits, and for medical reasons. Urinals are available for use by girls and women. Some designs require the user to supply their own personal female urination device, while other designs do not have this expectation.
And here are a few other interesting facts:
- Products have fitting names such as Freshette, SheWee, GoGirl, PStyle and Whiz Freedom.
- They come in many designs and colors and materials such as plastic, rubber, silicone, and paper. Some products are reusable and some are disposable.
- FUDs are used in the armed forces and other outdoor jobs.
- Female urination devices are sometimes used by transgendered men as “stand-to-pee” devices.
- There are even female urinals and disposable female urination devices which were patented as far back as 1922.
Now that I know more and have had time to digest, I can actually think of several uses for the Female Urination Device:
[/nextpage] [nextpage title=”Page 2″ ]1. No more sitting on Porta Potties or public toilets. If these come in youth sizes you can grab some for your daughter. You can even give them as gifts to the other females in your life: friends, mother-in-law, grandmother, etc. Just imagine their surprise when one of these gems shows up under the Christmas tree. You’ll never have to worry about duplicating a gift.
2. For teenagers who drink in the strangest places—including the woods. Now they won’t have to squat when they pee and risk getting ticks or poison ivy in the most private of areas. NOTE: I am not condoning teenage drinking, though I did quite a bit myself and the vag gadge would have been a godsend not only for me, but also for the parent who had to clean my smelly urine-soaked clothes. Peeing in the woods while drunk isn’t easy when you have to pop a squat.
3. If you and your man don’t get enough quality time, grab an FUD and hit the restroom together. The two of you will get to share a new level of intimacy on those rare date nights and every time you go to a public place together. Or show your ten-year-old, a regular offender of marking your toilet with urine, what it’s like to sit on a wet toilet seat after you, too, pee standing up and oops… miss the mark.
4. The ability to piss like a man will surely grant you permission to use the male restroom while out shopping. If the ladies room is packed, hit the men’s room. This is especially handy at bars and concerts where the ladies room is always packed, or out and about where you still feel like your ten-year-old son is too young to fly solo on restroom trips. You’ve never felt right with all the pervs out there. Now you can accompany him into the restroom. I’m sure he’ll be pleased. Sure, you may get funny looks as you pee in the urinal of the Target restroom, but it’s all good. Plus, more mother/son bonding time.
5. If you yourself are outdoorsy or still enjoy getting loaded in the woods, the vag gadge won’t do you wrong. It will allow you the freedom “to go” anywhere. Your bloated, weakened, I’ve had several kids and pee when I sneeze or anyone else does bladder will thank you.
6. Family road trips will be so much better. While my mother-in-law recommends carrying a fluff jar for such endeavors, I think the FUD will make pissing into a fluff bucket much easier. Man, they really do need to make these in youth sizes.
This post was originally published on Suburban Sh*t Show: Tales from the Tree-Lined Trenches
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About Nicole Johnson
Nicole Johnson is a fiction writer, blogger and stay at home mom raising four children, a dog, a cat and a husband. She fears birds, anything with the potential to cause fire, and Disney World. She loves scary movies, books with ambiguous endings and all things dark, absurd and funny. Her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, Mamapedia, BonBon Break and other really cool sites. Her blog, Suburban Sh*t Show: Tales from the Tree-Lined Trenches chronicles her life in the sh*t show, and she can be found on Facebook and Twitter, which is her new obsession because it forces her to get to the damn point.
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