By Topher Paul
It’s been a long journey, but our top undercover journalist, Richard Wetphart, has finally made it back from the road. We had an opportunity to sit down one-on-one with him to discuss everything he witnessed while uncovering massive toilet paper conspiracies, campaign cover-ups, and what can only be described as the biggest comeback in history since OJ Simpson joined Twitter.
In this exclusive interview, you’ll get an inside glimpse of what it’s like to navigate the tricky landscape of this country in 2020- from the hard-working blue collar distribution centers of the Midwest to the bourbon swilling cigar rooms of Washington. The following is a transcript of the most iconic interview to happen since Barbara Walters sat down with Monica Lewinski to discuss her spunk soaked dress.
Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me Dick, can I call you Dick?
I’d rather you not.
Ok, Richard. Follow-up question: why can’t I call you Dick?
It wasn’t easy growing up in Chicago with a name like Richard Wetphart. The kids used to call me Dick Shart, and truth be told, it was pretty traumatizing. I’ll admit, it would have been a hilarious nickname…for someone else.
Fair enough, so growing up in Chicago you must have seen your fair share of corruption.
It’s actually what inspired me to be an undercover journalist. I witnessed the impact one could have when exposing major crimes through the written word.
And now look at you. You’re elbow deep in poo paper conspiracies!
Condoms? Please elaborate.
Gladly. My final assignment was in the front-office of a major mask production company. I posed as a public relations guru and was tasked with spinning the public perception of wearing masks during the pandemic. They saw an opportunity to grab the market by the balls, but didn’t know how to sell it to the American public.
Sorry, Dick, errr Richard, I’m not seeing the connection between masks and condoms?
You wouldn’t, would you? That’s why they called on ME to solve the problem. See, people were complaining that masks were uncomfortable, and a lot of people were saying they were ineffective just to avoid wearing them. Despite the fact that the smartest people in the country were saying masks could prevent the spread of disease, every high school dropout from Dickshooter, Idaho to Intercourse, Pennsylvania all of a sudden was a scientific expert.
Interesting town names you chose there.
Yeah, sorry, it’s an inside joke we had over at the rubber plant. So there I was, rubbing elbows (and other parts) with the brass at… well let’s just say they’re named after a pretty famous historical penetration, if you know what I mean. I asked them how they managed to get people to wear something that, although very effective at preventing disease and unwanted pregnancy, people universally agreed “doesn’t feel as good.”
Well, I had planned on asking a lot of really important follow-up questions to your other articles, but this is just too interesting. Please go on.
Magnums. Magnum XL. Her Pleasure. The list goes on. They took a medical product and turned it into a way for dudes to show off their dick size and skill.
Wow, that seems so simple.
Simple minds require simple solutions. So I translated that idea to the masks. Because having a big head (on your neck) isn’t some badge of honor, we had to create tough looking protective gear. No more of these face masks that made you look like a male nurse. The new masks needed to look tactical and intimidating. Basically, the mask needed to pair nicely with an AK-47. Do you see all of the tough guys with large guns, and I mean ACTUAL guns, parading around capitol buildings with their masks on?
Yes, they look almost as if they are trained military.
You’re damn right! And they don’t have an ounce of training. Sure, they fire off shots into rusty old cars behind their dwellings or at the range using vaguely Middle Eastern target sheets, but in actuality they don’t know how to use their guns. They also don’t know how to use their “guns” for shit either because their mostly comprised of pathetic incels who chug energy drinks and feverishly jerk off to small penis humiliation porn having never felt the touch of a real woman’s body…but they’re wearing masks, aren’t they?
I think we’re getting a little off track here.
Sorry, I spent a lot of time with the R&D fellas at the condom lab. They did a lot of research for their upcoming Mini collection. Let’s just say, there’s a type…
Interesting. So, what’s next for you?
I think I’m going to take a little break. I’ve been spending so much time looking at the dregs of society that I’m becoming a little too cynical. I need to keep my journalistic mind sharp. But hey, if a story comes my way, you know I’ll be on it.
Well thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us today, Dick Shart.
While I was unable to really delve into the important topics I had planned, I think we can all agree that we leave that interview with some valuable insights. Until next time, be safe and be good to one another.
About the Author
Topher Paul is a father of three, punk and rap enthusiast, and (cracks knuckles) beer league hockey champion. He is a high school English teacher, and although he has zero accolades, he is widely considered the “cool teacher” by kids who may be more mature. He enjoys making people laugh, but is a social media failure who you can find on Twitter @topherpaul11.