By Jen Mearns of The Undomestic Goddess
Far in the woods, in deepest Appalachia, stands a school. Its surroundings are modest, but the school is top-of-the-line. It is a large, three-story brick building that houses a full staff of teachers, counselors, and students. It is not, however, your typical boarding school.
The reason it’s not your typical boarding school? The students are three-year-olds. The school is the first in a new wave of boarding schools designed to teach your three-year-old how to function in society.
The demand for such a place had never been explored until Bonnie Treeknuckle nearly had a nervous breakdown trying to deal with her own three-year-old twins. She realized that if she felt this way, other moms surely also feel this way.
Having been left a substantial amount of money from a favorite uncle who’d made his fortune in the feline prosthetics industry, Bonnie set out to design the Treeknuckle School for Three Year Olds.
The classes offered include:
- How to Accept a Meal on the First Offering
- How to NOT Freak Out if You Have to Drink Out of the Blue Cup
- What to Do When Your Favorite Toy Was Left at Grandma’s
- Coping with the Loss of a Stuffed Animal
- Naps are Always a Good Idea
- How to “Do It Yourself” in Less than Five Hours
- Why Stacking Chairs to Reach the Cookies is NOT a Good Idea
- Avoiding Announcing What Number Your Mom is Performing on the Potty in Public Restrooms
Treeknuckle’s school has become one of the most successful programs for preschoolers ever invented. More schools are in the works all over the country, as the demand for such programs has reached an all-time high.
Moms who have seen their sweet child morph into the unrecognizable threenager are flocking in droves to sign their child up for these programs.
I, for one, will be looking into this groundbreaking new school for my three-year-old, who upon reaching his third birthday became an angry, headstrong, obstinate troll whom I would love to send away… anywhere.
About the Author
My name is Jen Mearns and when I’m not wrangling three boys under four, I’m wrangling animals while pet sitting or most happily, writing. You can find my stuff on Scary Mommy, Pregnant Chicken, Hew View From Home, BabyGaga and Swaddles N’ Bottles. You can also find my personal blog, The Undomestic Goddess, and follow me on Facebook, Twitter @jennmearns, and Instagram.