There I was, scrolling the internet in all my innocence when BOOM, I saw something that could never be unseen: camel toe panties.
Four WTFs later, I got to thinking about the target demographic for these. Who would actually buy them? Is there a portion of the population with a FUPA fetish I’m unaware of? Am I so out of style that I’ve missed the menopausal librarian trend? Aren’t we supposed to be ashamed of our middle-aged lady bits when they’ve finally decided to fly south for the eternal winter, like God intended?
You know what they say: “Necessity is the mother of all invention.” So apparently enough consumers are rejoicing in pubic fat as to warrant a demand for bulge briefs. Of course, the next logical step is to imagine how poon padding could be marketed to the public.
Picture a young Ron Popeil in the infomercial glory days, his booming voice enthusiastically pitching these cooter cushions:
Is your camel toe game falling flat? Do you wish people made less eye contact with you? Maybe you long for a plumper undercarriage but can’t afford labia augmentation? Or perhaps you’d like to produce more crotch sweat but don’t have time to exercise? Are you looking for a way to showcase your ‘gina jowls without having to gain weight?
Look no further because we have a product for you! It’s camel toe knickers.
Made with 100% nylon, and 0% dignity, these swollen skivvies can make your dream of Costco-sized labia a reality.
They’re easy to use. Simply wear camel-toe knickers beneath a pair of tight stretch pants and voila, you’ve transformed yourself into a person of Walmart.* (*mobility scooter not included.)
This product is also useful in muffling unpleasant queef sounds and protecting your vulva from unwanted toddler kicks.
And why not wear them backward to give yourself that “baboon’s arse meets violent hemorrhoid” look?
For a limited time, we’ll also throw in these heinous booty shorts that ride so far up your crack, you’re destined to get a UTI.
Is that an uncooked turkey in your trousers? No. It’s camel toe knickers!
All joking aside, what the Sam Hill is going on within the fibers of the shorts? Are those testicles? Did she smuggle a gopher in there? Does that model know that fanny packs are not supposed to be worn on your actual fanny? Also, how hard up is she for modeling work that she decided to take this particular job? This is a FUPA faux-pas.
Full disclosure: Normally we provide links to products in articles like this, but I can’t right now because I refuse to Google “camel toe panties.” I like to keep a clean search history, dammit, and I don’t want to corrupt my mind any further.
So, if you are interested in enhancing your pelvis with removable grapefruit-sized tumors, you’re going to have to look this up yourself. But be warned: You’re clicking down a dangerous wormhole–one that probably ends in circumcision hoop earrings or some shit.
PS. If circumcision hoop earrings already exist, please don’t tell me. I’ve lost enough of my innocence as it is.