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In Case You Didn’t Feel Old, Luke Perry Is on the Cover of AARP Magazine

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Screenshot: AARP

Remember every 1990 girl’s first crush, Luke Perry (aka Dylan McKay of the hit TV show, Beverly Hills 90210)? He is gracing the cover of AARP Magazine this month.

The American Association of Retired Persons allows anyone aged 50 or over to be a card-carrying member. Luke is 50. He still works as an actor, though his sideburns retired in 1995.

When we first laid eyes on Dylan–err Luke–we fell in love. Even though he was obviously too old to play the part of a high schooler, and his hairline was higher than Snoop Dog on a Sunday, and his sideburns were giant mutton chops that made his brown mane look like a 1930’s boxing helmet. Nevertheless, our teenage hearts were willing to overlook these minor flaws on account of his brooding eyes.

And you know what? After all this time, he’s still hot.

Why do men age so well? It’s not fair. Luke is on his made-for-TV movies looking like a cute college guy and I’m increasingly morphing into Angela Lansbury of Murder, She Wrote.

In my mind I am still 19, so seeing my former heartthrob on the cover of AARP Magazine is a shocking reality check that I’m getting old.

We’re getting old.

Ladies of the 1990’s, do you realize we are now as close to the Golden Girls as we are high school?

Let that sink in.

To add insult to injury, let’s talk about the fact that the powers that be at AARP think 50 is young enough to retire. Who retires at 50? I am middle-aged and still renting a damn apartment, if you want to know how my life is going.

I’m probably going to be working until my 80th birthday, after which I’ll spend my free time watching the latest Luke Perry marathons on Lifetime wherein he’ll play the part of a charming soccer dad, despite being 90 years old. He’ll be handsome and rich, and I’ll be a bitter old prune. Which reminds me, I need to add prunes to my shopping list–along with hard candies, Depends, Ben Gay, and Centrum Silver.

Because I am fucking old.