By Mandi Em of Healthy Living for Hot Messes
Making friends as an adult is so fucking confusing. Our grown-up lives find us stripped of our identifiable markers for simple targeted friendship. It’s much harder now to find the girl in black lipstick with a Nirvana t-shirt, an easy friendship target, because now she’s probably in leggings and hoarding coupons for Michael’s. And I get it—we’re all aging.
And don’t get me started on mom friends. How many baby-led weaning and “how did your baby sleep last night” conversations do we have to wade through before I’m brave enough to drop a comment about kids being the world’s most persistent assholes?
I gauge your reaction. Have I lost you or are we “wine mom” friends now?
*FYI I don’t like wine*
The truth is, the Friendzone is fucking barren.
I don’t have very many friends. However, the ones I do have are amazing and I adore them. I keep my circle small because somewhere along the line I became terribly boring and decided to cut out silly things like “unnecessary drama” and “leaving the house.” Somehow this resulted in me not making friends as an adult.
But I am feeling like there is something missing and I suspect it’s friendship. Specifically friendship with other female grown-ups. (As it currently stands, I am trying to take on the patriarchy and throwing “moon parties” in the woods all by my lonesome. SAD FACE.)
But how does a healthy hot mess go about this? Fucked if I know. Perhaps something can be learned from my failed attempts at friendship in the past.
Here are 10 reasons why we probably aren’t friends:
1. I don’t have a personal Facebook so I didn’t remember your birthday. I put it in my phone but I break phones often so when the time came I didn’t know. I could sync my calendar but Big Brother is hoping I’ll do that so I never will.
2. You wanted to go out at 9 p.m. Can’t you see all these kids? If I’m not in pajamas by 9 p.m. I turn into a pumpkin. But like, a bloated and enraged pumpkin that needs a nap.
3. You made a horrible decision and I couldn’t help but say something. Or maybe I didn’t say anything at all in the interest of keeping the peace. Saying anything (or nothing) can be friendship poison.
4. You didn’t want to hang out at my house. Apologies but no one wants to babysit my 3 kids. I have like once a month babysitting opportunities so I have to save that for something exciting like the dentist or shopping at Costco.
5. We just met and you asked me out for coffee. Then you tried to sell me special Acai berry slurry. I barely know you. I don’t want your slurry. Warm me up first. Taking me out for tacos might have worked. I don’t even like coffee! #betterlucknexttime
6. You expected too much from me. I can maintain a relationship for many years based on texting alone. I struggle to communicate without the aid of GIFs. Help me, science.
7. Things were going great and then you said “supposably.” I have standards, you know.
8. My resting bitch face. You hated looking at it unless there were pancakes between us on the table, but I try to avoid carbs so there was nothing there to soften the blow.
9. You thought I didn’t like you. I couldn’t tell you how I felt because I couldn’t find your “like” button. The modern world has ruined me. Does outside still exist?
10. We used to work together and now we don’t.
Making friends as an adult is a fucking struggle.
This post was originally published on Healthy Living for Hot Messes.
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About the Author
Mandi Em is the content creator for Healthy Living for Hot Messes, a website that aims to helps your average Jane get healthy AF (without being a dick about it). Mandi can usually be found whining about her kids on Twitter and posting pictures of her food and nonsense on Instagram and Facebook.