I'm deceitful. I'm hiding evidence. I'm obsessed. All the signs are there that I'm having an affair. With Target.
Humor Sex and Relationships

I Think I Might Be Having an Affair

I'm deceitful. I'm hiding evidence. I'm obsessed. All the signs are there that I'm having an affair. With Target.

By Kristin McCarthy of Four Princesses and the Cheese 

Never did I think that I would ever be one of those wives…

The other evening I was reading an article on ways that you know your partner is cheating. Quickly I scrolled through the list and didn’t think that my husband fit the cheating bill in the least…good husband.  I finished the article and moved onto some mindless internet surfing when a pit formed in my belly and I realized the most horrific thought…

I think I am having an affair.

It is true.  A day does not go by where I do not think of the object of my affection.  Friends, I am in pretty deep.  I spend massive amounts of money on my love and am never EVER disappointed after one of our rendezvous.  Now I would not say our relationship is healthy; in fact, the addiction and draw are probably the opposite.

Guys, I am having an affair with Target…. let us consider the evidence.

I think about my love every day.  Should I go visit?  Is it crossing the line?  Is my husband going to find those stashed receipts and rage, banning me from seeing my beloved Target again?  I find myself wondering what is going on with my Target.  Is there a new sale going on?  Have they restocked the clearance rack?!  Jesus, I am getting hot just thinking about that clearance rack.

We are forced to creep around.  My husband has a sneaking suspicion that Target and I are serious, yet I try my best to keep the truth from him.  I don’t want to hurt the man I love, the father of my children.  I cannot have him knowing that I am throwing his hard-earned cash away multiple times a week at Target.  It would break his heart to know that I simply cannot live without the cute boots and comfy yoga pants that my local Target provides me. Yet I love Target and am willing to risk his wrath.

Yes, I will be paying cash for this.  F**k no, I don’t want that receipt!  Burn that.

My heart skips a beat when I come near Target.  I pull into the parking lot and I just know…


I am excited and thrilled at what I will find inside.  Although I am a little nervous at what the bill might come to, I am ready for you Target…bring it.

Never, ever, EVER am I disappointed with my obsession.  There is always something new and exciting when we meet.  What is this, Target?  A new BEAUTY COUNTER display? Oh, show me more!  Whoa, Target, you brought out the new seasonal housewares just for me?  Now we’re talking.

I am yours, Target.  Shhhhh.  Don’t speak.  You had me at 30% off…

I am pretty sure I cannot live without Target.  In fact, a few years ago my family was considering a move across country to a majestic little town tucked away deep in the mountains of Colorado.

“How close is the nearest Target?” I asked one of the local residents.

“Oh, you have to drive into New Mexico for that…maybe 250 miles or so.”

What the F**K!!! Absolutely not.  That is downright insane.  Not being within 15 minutes of my love is a deal breaker.  That is a hard ass line in the sand  for me.  Case closed…moving on.

I do worry about the possibility of Target ever closing its doors forever.  I truly do not think that I would ever recover from such a trauma.  Where the hell would I go?  I can’t even think of a substitute for this affair.  Now, I really don’t think Target will EVER go out of business.  I alone probably float 10% of the Target financial boat.  I guess I am kind of a sugar mama, but I LOVE Target.

If my husband ever puts his foot down and makes me choose between him and Target…

Let us hope for the sake of our marriage and our family that he never does because I think you and I both know what the decision is going to be.

This post was originally published on Suburban Misfit Mom.


About the Author

SAHM mom of four little blonde girls ages 8, 6 and identical twin 2 year olds. Lover of cheese, craft beer, top knots and BRAVO. Hate of Thomas the Train, Caillou and laundry. You can find Kristin and her little Blonde-tourage hanging out at popular Suburban hot spots like the local Target and Home Depot. Kristin is the cynical mind behind Four Princesses and the Cheese and is also a regular contributing writer for Suburban Misfit Mom.