I Like Hard Seltzer More Than I Like My Stepdaughter


So, we just got back from my stepdaughter’s Parents Weekend at State, and girl, I’ve got a new obsession. It’s called hard seltzer. It is bubbly and delicious and FUN! Kind of like me, or what used to be like me. Anyway, as soon as we got home I went to the grocery store and stocked the garage fridge.

Hopefully, Ashley will be somewhat pleased to see it if she comes home for Thanksgiving this year. I think it will really help us forget last year when we went around and said what we were thankful for and Ashley said she was most thankful that all I stole was her dad and not her will to live.

Love the drama, Ashley. Maybe you could channel some of that energy into some theater classes at college. Let your dad’s money buy something other than rompers and tequila.

Turns out there are lots of reasons to love hard seltzer! First of all, I look so cute drinking it, almost like I could be in college! OMG, do you need to see my I.D.?

Hashtag sorry, not sorry, Ashley.

The can is tall and skinny, which is a goal I set for myself in 1993 when I was the first of my sorority sisters to go on the Atkins diet.

I still have the book if you’d like to read it, Ashley. Not that I’m saying you need to, I just wanted to let you know it’s available. In your room. On your nightstand.

That sleek can won’t fit in any normal can holder, which makes it unconventional and inconvenient, which everyone knows is the basis for all things trendy and desirable. I, too, am inconvenient and desirable.

Your dad just loves that about me, Ashley. JUST. LOVES. IT.

I can’t drink beer, because beer is for peasants. I don’t really know what that means, but I heard my 14-year-old say it to one of her friends, and it is very important that I stay relevant.

Yeet, bi-atch!

I can’t drink liquor because of that thing that happened at the Turners’ barbecue last summer. You know the thing. Don’t make me talk about it.

I see you smiling, Ashley, and it’s not funny. Like you’ve never mixed meds and booze and thought you were Courtney Love.

It’s refreshing and buzzy, kind of like a menthol cigarette, except I can have one in public instead of out behind my potting shed.

That vaping shit you do is pretty much the opposite of classy, Ashley. Really, do you think Audrey Hepburn would be caught dead with a vape pen?

There are several flavors in one box, and I can have one of each before my lazy eye goes fully to sleep. Trying new things is part of my spiritual growth plan.

Hey, Ashley! Guess what? You’re not the only person in the world who meditates. Lucky for you, because it kept me from stabbing you in the eye with a crab claw on our beach vacation in July.

The colors on the can match my Instagram aesthetic.

Almost to 5,000 followers, Ash. Oh, is that a DM from your boyfriend?

The flavoring is only a “hint,” which is perfect because I pride myself on never being overtly direct. It’s part of my mystique.

Why would I say exactly what I mean when you should be able to figure it out your own damn self, ASHLEY? Do I have to do everything around here? Why don’t you pick up your shit for once? I don’t have to do your laundry. Do I look like your mother?


Whatever. I’m not drunk, you’re drunk, ASHLEY.


About the Author

Shanna Walker is a lover of wine, words, family, and friends. Not necessarily in that order, but especially when they’re all together. A classy lady with a wry sense of humor, she is the full-time CEO of her chaotic household, as well as a reluctant taxi driver. She is responsible for the health and well-being of her hardworking husband, two precocious daughters, and a high maintenance goldendoodle, as well as all the facilities and supplies needed to run such an operation. She’s doing an ok job with it all. To hear more of her thoughts on the ridiculous and mundane, you can follow her on Instagram and Twitter @chicwhitesheep, on Facebook at Shanna Walker, writer, or browse her blog at