I have decided to lay down some parenting wisdom for those in need. I know you are probably thinking, “What qualifications does this lady have?” I say this to that: If Trump can run for president, I can know everything about parenting. That’s the world we are living in right now. I didn’t make it, but I can capitalize on it.

I am at your service for the biggest inquiries you have about parenting. I compiled a list of frequently asked parenting questions. I then took that list and let my fingers do the talking as I fired off answers before thinking them through or doing any research. In other words, I “Trumped” the heck out of these questions.

Question 1:

When will my baby sleep through the night? I’m not psychic. I am going to throw out this prediction, though: sometime before you send that bundle of joy off to college at age 18. If not, it will no longer be your problem. That in the parenting world is what we call worst case scenario. Acquaint yourself with worse case scenarios, shake hands with them, and know them well.

Question 2:

When should my baby start eating solid foods? The answer to this one is not universal. Different babies react differently to steak being run through the blender. Some can do it at 3 months and some will eat it at 5 years. One thing is for certain: it will grow hair on your chest.

Question 3:

How do I handle tantrums? That depends on how often your significant other is having tantrums. Or wait, you meant kids? Of course. Umm, do things like extended bathroom breaks while your spouse handles it.

Question 4:

What if my spouse and I don’t agree on how to raise our children? Try to be the loudest and just talk over your spouse. Every time he or she tries to speak, you should sneeze or cough loudly if you have nothing else to say. Also get the kids ear plugs for when the spouse has some one-on-one time with the kids.

Question 5:

How do I get my kids to listen to me? Make up rap songs and beat box to them. Also, texting is a good option. Make sure that if you go the texting route, you use a lot of emojis. Don’t type any more than 5 words in a row before using an emoji to illustrate your point. Bonus points for using the pile of dookie.

You know what? Maybe the “Trump” approach to life isn’t so bad. I think with my off-the-cuff and completely unqualified help, you are going to be a fantastic parent. Perhaps this country isn’t doomed after all.

Or. Wait. Yes. Yes, it is.