All hail December, the death rattle of the year, as it heralds in the cold and the dark. As we await the Long Night’s Moon, we spend December recklessly indulging in chaotic spending, little fortunes for our kin in the advent of Yule.
Although we try to point our higher selves in the direction of gratitude and forgiveness, the mall parking lot brings forth from us a fury so ancient and deep, it lies coiled in our amygdalas, waiting to strike at the first Acura that creeps into that spot that was rightfully ours.
One must always live a life in sync with love and light; however, in troubled times like these, a little black magick can help us manifest our greatest desires in a way that is fair. After all, we were clearly waiting for that fucking spot, we had our blinkers on and everything.
Behold, here are some ways you can use the dark arts to summon a parking spot in December.
Cast a Circle
At approximately 3 am, the veil between worlds is thinnest, so this is a great time to go to the local Walmart and cast a circle in the parking lot to ensure yourself a space.
What you need are a few orange traffic cones (orange to symbolize the union of ice and flame, and cones as a nod to sacred geometry). Set your cones up in a manner that blocks off a space and use Microsoft Word to create a NO PARKING sign to affix to said cones. The next day you roll up and put the cones in your trunk as you claim your place.
People will look at you with awe and wonder, as you are a great and powerful witch.
Sigil Inscription
Find a black tourmaline crystal point (or alternatively, you can use any athame that has been charged under the dark moon) and carve a subtle warning in the form of crude, poorly-drawn dicks into the next Honda Accord that slips into the spot you were waiting for.
To throw suspicion off, carve something specific, like “THANKS FOR SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER, GARY.”
Make sure you are idling nearby to slip into the spot that was usurped from you.
A Mummer’s Dance
Get a friend to come and search the lot by foot. If they find a spot, they are under strict instruction to then perform an elaborate dance ritual in the spot, one that’s designed to mimic the fall of Baphomet and make people too uncomfortable to approach.
Make sure your friend has a pocket full of red verbena clippings in case their performance accidentally attracts the attention of the fae.
Allow your friend to close the ritual by sending you a sacred technological scroll (also known as a text) letting you know where to pull your Kia in for a smooth landing.
A Salt Warding
Take a bucket of Sea Salt and grab a handful. When you spot another car approaching, move your fist into the ancient sign of the “rolling window” so that they lower their protective glass.
Toss the salt in their eyes and shout “BEGONE VILE ONE” as you ward their ass away from your spot.
Invoke A Higher Power
Perform the lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram outside the Homesense.
Take a screwdriver and remove the insurance plates off the minivan that is parked in the spot you want. Summon the authorities to tow Karen’s van so you can have that primo space. Try not to think of the stick family decals that adorned her caravan, as justice feels no mercy and nature is cruel.
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About the Author
Mandi Em is a freelance writer, humorist, and self-proclaimed #shittylifecoach. Find her at Healthy Living for Hot Messes, or on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.