By Crystal Lowery of Creepy Ginger Kid
Do you feel intimidated in the lunchroom when your pretentious foodie coworker digs kimchi out of a bento box and frowns upon your sad ham sandwich and chips? There is no need to be downcast. Many people don’t know the word foodie is actually an acronym for: Frivolously Obnoxious Oddball Digesting Imprudent Edibles. Anyone can become an insufferable F.O.O.D.I.E with the following tips:
Start with Semantics
Jazzing up the names of your favorite snacks is the fastest way to make them sound more interesting. For instance…
-That’s not ‘ketchup,’ it is a ‘puréed tomato and basalmic reduction.’
-You’re not eating a slab of deli meat and a croissant—it is deconstructed Beef Wellington.
-Why call them ‘carrot sticks’ when they can be ‘crudité’?
-When you’re overdue for grocery shopping and must subsist on the only things left in your refrigerator–manky cheddar and pepperoni–you’ve got yourself a charcuterie board.
-Come to think of it, whatever you consume should be described in French, because everything sounds delicious in French: pommes frites, ratatouille, tartine du merd. C’est magnifique!
Bring on the Buzzwords
The perfect condiment to dress up your lunch is an overplayed adjective. Any combination of the following will suffice: artisanal, free-range, locally-sourced, vegan, paleo, rustic, distressed, bespoke, craft.
Slap on a Suffix
You can’t just like a particular food; you must love it with the burning passion of a thousand suns. You don’t like sushi? You are a sushi-phile. Try that suffix on anything: tomato-phile, banana-phile, pita-phile (just be careful to enunciate with that last one).
Follow the Fad
There is always an en vogue ingredient — a literal ‘flavor of the week.’ Whether it is saffron, truffle oil, or beetroot, you can be in fashion if you sprinkle a little atop your baked potato.
Avoid Anything Processed, Unless…
You can’t eat processed food unless you are doing so ironically. Cheese toasties are a big no no, but if you order one from a smug hipster in a questionable food truck? Game on.
Presentation is Key
When it comes to presentation, the smaller the better. If you’re having comfort food, you’ll need to eat it in the least comfortable way possible: a ramekin of macaroni cheese, a shooter of stew, a single lump of bread pudding on a tiny skewer. Perhaps you’d like to eat more than seven calories at a time? Then think outside the fork. Consume your meals in new and unusual ways: freeze dried, blindfolded, on a stick, pre-masticated.
The only thing keeping you from being the cool foodie at the lunch table is a new vernacular (and probably your dignity). So go ahead, take some chopsticks to an ironic, rosemary-infused, deconstructed bacon roll you got from a converted ice cream van next to a port-a-loo, you pork-o-phile…and enjoy! (Or rather, “Bon Appetite!”)
A version of this post first appeared on Creepy Ginger Kid
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About the Author
Crystal Lowery is an American mom working in England. By day, she does medical research, by night she wrangles two small children, a boy and a girl. She has made millions laugh on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Sammiches & Psych Meds, In the Powder Room, Mumsnet and others. You can find her blogging at Creepy Ginger Kid and she’d love for you to follow her on Facebook.