Humor Parenting

How Parents Are All a Bunch of Big, Fat Liars

 

Parents lie to their kids to avoid catastrophic meltdowns. Here are more lies you can use to keep those buggers in check.

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By Lisa Carmody Doiron of elsiekarmadi.wordpress.com

Sheesh. Becoming a parent really brings out the big, fat liars in us, doesn’t it?

It starts out innocently enough when we declare the park is “closed” and the iPad is “broken.” We vow to stop there and nurture an otherwise wholesome relationship with our children—one based on honesty and transparency.

Yeah, and that pledge lasts until noon when everyone’s crying for Goldfish and no one will put their toys away. Then, before you can wash your mouth out with nuns, you’re declaring Goldfish are endangered and the vacuum will suck up all their stray toys.

And just like that, we’re the mom version of Bernie Madoff…in our yoga pants, swilling wine, dropping lies clever enough to make Pinocchio jealous. We tell ourselves they’re just tall tales, little fibs, but they’re not! They’re big, fat lies, and we’re big, fat liars.

And even though we know we’re going to hell, we have a silent parental agreement with all the other big, fat liars. We’re going to keep on keepin’ on with the lies. You know why? Because we’re tired, and we just want to get off easy on something. ANYTHING. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHILDREN. Just let one thing be easy.

Soooooooo, since we all agree to keep on lying (right?), I thought I’d help you out (because I’m a good person). Here are a few good lies to add to your repertoire. You don’t need to credit the source or anything. You can just toss them out of your lie-hole like you made them up yourself.

1. When the family dog dies.

Child: Wahhhhh! I’m so sad Rover’s dead! (Even though I never fed him, played with him, or walked him like I said I would.)

Parent: Don’t be sad. Rover’s gone to a better place.

Child: You mean heaven?

Parent: NOPE! Even better! He’s gone to the North Pole!

Child: Really?!

Parent: Uh huh, Rover’s gone to be one of Santa’s reindeer.

And just like that, you’ve made Christmas even MORE exciting, AND you’ve dulled the pain of losing a family member. Good job, you.

2. When your child won’t brush his teeth.

Parent: Okay, it’s time to brush our teeth! YAY!

Child: No way.

Parent: Do YOU want to brush them, or do you want me to brush them for you?

Child: NO!

Parent: If you don’t brush your teeth, they’ll rot and turn into onions (insert another food your child hates), and that’s all you’ll taste in your mouth for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Your kid was never going to eat that hateful food anyway. You might as well put it to good use somehow.

3. When your child won’t go to bed.

Parent: It’s time for bed! YAY!

Child: No way.

Parent: Do you want to walk up by yourself, or do you want me to carry you?

Child: NO!

Parent: You have to go to bed before eight o’clock or else the police will come. Quick, run! It’s 7:58!

You have full permission to ring the doorbell and yell, “POLICE!” if you’re child doesn’t fall for the lie the first time.

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4. When your child won’t give up his baby blanket.

Child: Mommy, where’s my blankie?

Parent: It’s gone.

Child: WHAT? Where?!

Parent: Don’t you know? When a kid turns five his baby blanket turns into dandelions. Look! Your blanket is spread all over the lawn! Now run outside and lay in him.

There, you’ve just given dandelions a reason for living. You’re such a good person.

5. When your child tells a lie.

Parent: Did you just lie to me?

Child: No way. Parent: Damn it. You just did it again!

Child: No!

Parent: Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Child: Huh?

Parent: Careful. If you tell too many lies, your pants will burst into flames.

There you have it, you bunch of big, fat liars — five new lies to tell your kids. You’re welcome.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I just caught a whiff of … is that the smell of …singed yoga pants? I must have reached my lie quota. QUICK, someone poor a glass of wine on me to stifle the flame!

Just joking. Everyone knows I’d burn alive before wasting a glass of wine.

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About Lisa Carmody Doiron

Lisa lives in PEI, Canada with her husband and two boys. She blogs regularly at Momologues. Her stories have been featured on Blunt Moms, What the Flicka?, Mom Babble and Mamalode. Her stories are also part of two recent anthologies: Motherhood May Cause Drowsiness and Martinis and Motherhood. You can find her blog at: elsiekarmadi.wordpress.com, on Facebook as Lisa Carmody Doiron, or on Twitter @elsiekarmadi.

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