By Barrie Bismark of The Daily Dump

I think it is safe to say that we have all had really terrible, asinine, and arrogant bosses at one time or another. You know, the total assholes that suck the life out of you pretty much every day. I know I have.

I’ve had bosses that would bring me to tears multiple times during the day. And that got me thinking, as I sat on my own couch in tears of frustration courtesy of my very own little three-year-old “boss.” She is an awful lot like the unpleasant bosses I have encountered throughout my career.

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Here are the top reasons my toddler is like my worst boss ever. And there happen to be 10 of them:

10. The micro-managing. Seriously, there are rules for everything.

Toddler: Watch out if you put the cereal in the wrong colored bowl for that day, cut the sandwich incorrectly, or give her the “spicy” binkie.  Learn the damn rules.

Boss: Don’t you dare get me in the wrong seat on an airplane, order lunch from the wrong place for a meeting, or schedule a meeting over the three-hour workout window. The wrath will be felt. IDIOT.

9. You cannot reason with them. You can try until you are blue in the face. It is their way or the highway.

Toddler: No, you can’t wear the peed-on pajamas you wore last night. Sorry.

Boss: No, Mr. Boss, I really think you should attend the important annual meeting about the future of your company instead of your workout today.

Sound familiar? 

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8. You are always wrong. You can never do anything right or be good enough. No matter what. Might as well just give up now.

Toddler: What? You don’t want mac n cheese for lunch? I just figured you liked it since it’s all you’ve been asking to eat for the last two weeks.

Boss: I’m so sorry I scheduled that meeting you told me to AND ordered lunch from the place you requested. I didn’t realize you changed your mind and suddenly hate it. How could I be so wrong?

7. Mind Reading. They both expect you to know what they are thinking at all times. You better learn to anticipate what they might want before they have to ask. Better yet? Just read their minds. Got it? 

Toddler: I’m sorry. I totally should have known that you hated that book. We have only read it every night for two years.

Boss: I should have known that you wanted to order flowers for your mom for her birthday. It doesn’t matter that I have only been here six months and don’t know who your mom is, where she lives, or what she likes. I’ll get right on that.

6. Punching a clock. Ever feel that every second of your day must be accounted for? Feel like someone is always watching you?

Toddlers: Can’t even go two seconds without wanting to know where you are and what you are doing. Don’t go to the bathroom for longer than a minute. Don’t go into the other room to take a phone call. They will hunt you down. They will find you. 

Bosses: They will watch you constantly and make you account for every second of your day. Take a little too much time making your lunch in the break room or check your phone too often? You’re done.

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5. Demanding. Bosses and toddlers alike are very demanding people. They want everything now, now, now. Is it done yet? Hurry up.

Toddlers: Remember that McDonald’s toy we got 6 months ago, the one I never play with? I want that. NOW!

Bosses: My printer is out of paper. Stop eating your lunch and go get me some paper. NOW!

4. Performance reviews. Toddlers, like asshole bosses, never give good performance reviews. No constructive criticism here. Do you even do anything, right? Obviously not.

Toddlers: Mom, you are really going to have to work on getting me what I want a bit faster. When I want milk, I want it NOW…not after you are done in the bathroom.

Boss: Yeah, you do an alright job, but I’m going to need you to be sure you remind me of my meetings one day, one hour, and 15 minutes before they start. Even if they are on my calendar and set to remind me. I get into working out and I can’t seem to remember a thing. 

3. Approval. We are constantly seeking the approval of our employers. We want to make them happy and be successful in our jobs. Much like our little toddler dictators. We want their approval and love.

Toddler: I love you so much. I am going to buy you every cute little outfit that I can possibly afford!

Boss: I will do better. I will be sure that your workout is NEVER, EVER scheduled over. Even if it is the most important meeting in the world.

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2. Belittlement. I’ve had bosses that made me feel like a complete failure. Most often, they do this in public or in front of other employees and in a condescending way. My toddler, she does the same thing…usually in public.

Toddler: I WANT THAT CANDY! You are the worst mom ever. I WANT IT! Waaaaaaaaaa…Maybe if I flop around on the floor or bite you in front of everyone at Target, then you will let me have it.

Boss: Ummmm…Do you really think that helping your co-worker on a project right now is the best use of your time? There are things that I need…like for you to make my doctor appointment and my manicure appointment. Back to your desk.

And…the #1 reason MY toddler is just like MY worst boss ever…

1. Wiping ass.

Bosses and toddlers: They both need their hands held and their asses wiped. They like to think they are “big kids” and can do everything by themselves, but when that fails, Mommy is there to clean up the shit show.

There is one BIG difference. I love my baby dearly. She can be as awful as she wants, and I will never “quit” this job.

Bosses, do better. Do. better.

A version of this post was originally published on The Daily Dump. 

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About the Author

I’m Barrie. I’m sarcastic, vocal, stubborn, strong willed, and kind of a pain in the ass. I have a husband who I have been married to for 11 years and three beautiful children boy (8), girl (6), and girl (3). Being a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but also one of the most rewarding. I am amazed every day at the chaos, laughs, adventures, and exhaustion that motherhood brings. I have been featured on Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Babble, Parent Co., Sammiches and Psych Meds, For Every Mom, Bon Bon Break, and am a contributing writer for Suburban Misfit Moms, Modern Mom, and Her View From Home. (Follow Barrie on her blog The Daily Dump, on Facebook, on Twitter, and on Pinterest.