By Karen Johnson of The 21st Century SAHM

Dear Americans,

Today is a day of greatness. Our country is officially in the hands of the most intelligent, well-spoken, and humble leader we’ve ever elected. Thank goodness we didn’t even have to elect him into office, for he simply bought all of America’s votes.

Yes, my friends, our new president, our new warrior who will no doubt continue the fight for racial and gender equality, has taken office. Mr. Donald Trump is now the President of the United States. How did he do it? How did he overcome the very few naysayers who doubted his prowess, his ability to run this nation with honor and integrity? Here’s how.

1) Our new, Mexican-loving president outfitted all Mexicans trying to cross the border with a stash of 50 gold bars each and five-bathroom chateaus. In Mexico, to keep them there. The last thing Mr. Trump desires for our southern neighbors is a harsh and treacherous journey through the immigration process.

“These kind people deserve joy in their lives. So I’ve given them that,” President Trump stated to his BFF Bill O’Reilly just last night.

2) Our generous leader loves nursing mothers almost as much as he loves Mexicans. Therefore, he has provided (and funded out of his own meager pocket) all nursing mothers with a brand new elective surgery that allows them to express milk discreetly and slowly into tiny bags attached to their bras. This way they will never have to step away from work to pump breast milk, nor will they have to use the words “breast pump” in front of our dear fearless leader who knows how much others can easily be offended by these words. And one of his main priorities is to keep peace and harmony among the masses.

He has admitted, however, that “there is a bit of a waiting list for the surgery. All of my hard-working domestic workers throughout my humble homes around the world are receiving the surgery first. They are so dedicated to scrubbing my bathrooms and styling my hair that they are often devastated at the thought of shirking responsibilities in order to express breast milk. Once the 697 nursing women who serve my needs are outfitted with their milk bags, the rest of you are next. You have my word. And my word is worth 800 billion dollars.”

3) The new Leader of the Free World also purchased all major television networks. ABC, NBC, CBS, FoxNews (well he already owned that one), MTV, Sprout TV… and, of course, Univision. All have been justifiably renamed. NBC = NYMB (the abbreviation for Now You’re My Bitches). MTV = MyTVBecauseIownit. And Univision is now called TCBNC (which aptly stands for Try to Cross the Border Now, Criminals).

With Mr. Trump in rightful control of all of television, he was able to regulate his support prior to the election and thusly ensured that we all, as Americans, saw the truth: that Donald Trump was the single best man (like a woman would ever hold office) to do the job.

4) Mr. Trump is brilliant (in fact, he’s smarter than any other human to ever walk the earth). So he knew that buying TV wasn’t going to get the job done. Once TV was conquered, our new president set out to own the internet. All websites are now owned and controlled by the Trump kingdom. Dot com is no longer. All web addresses for the indefinite future will be listed as .trump.

5) President Trump was slightly (only slightly) concerned about the woman vote. Therefore, he gifted every woman who voted for him a five-carat diamond ring upon exiting the polls. Because all women are extremely shallow and can be bought.