Hipster Mom Admits to Liking Olive Garden, Ostracized by Community


A 35-year-old woman was trapped inside her Stamford residence yesterday by an angry mob.

Malia Luft, a mom who lives in the Hartshorne Hills neighborhood, watched as protesters waved signs and demanded her expulsion from the community.

“I’m shocked,” Luft told reporters through an open window. “I wish I hadn’t been honest. I just never imagined the consequences.”

Days earlier, during a group play date, Luft admitted to several other mothers that she “wouldn’t mind heading down to the new Olive Garden and having a glass of wine and some breadsticks.”

“Instantly, the atmosphere in the room became uncomfortable,” says Luft. “I sensed that I’d made a social blunder and I tried to backpedal, saying that Fabrizio 85½’s has amazing tuna tartare and we should go there after barre class, but it was too late.”

“Quite simply, it was a game changer,” said Stella Wu, who attends play group with Luft.

“You think you know someone, and all this time…” She trailed off, troubled. “I mean, what’s next? She shops at Old Navy? She feeds her family nonorganic food? I just can’t risk having that around my kids.”

“I knew there was something off about the family,” added Wu’s husband. “I’ve never seen her husband wear a single scarf, ironic T-shirt, or obscenely large pair of glasses.”

“Everyone has been saying horrible things, like ‘Why don’t you go take a Tour of Italy?’” said neighborhood resident Gemma Pierce. “I feel bad for Malia. Parenthood does crazy things to your mind, you know? I think she was just really tired and didn’t know what she was saying.”

Others were less forgiving. “They don’t belong in this neighborhood, if you ask me,” said Cara Winters, who protested in front of the Lufts’ home with 6-year-old twins Honeybear and Tallulah. “The sooner they leave, the better for all of us.”


About the Author

Abby Byrd is a teacher, a grammarian, and the poster mom for existential angst. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy/Club Mid, In The Powder Room, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, The Good Men Project, The Reject Pile, and The Big Jewel, as well as in two anthologies. She is a frequent contributor to MockMom. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect.