By Tracy Schorn of ChumpLady.com
“Dylan has managed to get to 18 years of age without dismemberment, indictment, or low SAT scores, all thanks to helicopter parenting,” said proud mother, Cheryl Dash of Vicksburg, Michigan.
Without her constant reminders and benevolent shepherding, said Dash, Dylan would’ve succumbed like so many other teens to inertia and mediocrity. But thanks to Cheryl’s unwavering hyper vigilance, Dylan has been accepted to the third-most prestigious university in Kalamazoo, Michigan, at a distance of nearly nine miles from home.
“I think it’s time now to let go a bit and commend myself on a job well done,” said Dash, although she still plans to do Dylan’s laundry and proof his essays.
Many young mothers look up to Dash, she said, and ask her, “How did you do it? How did you raise a son as exemplary as Dylan?”
“It wasn’t easy. I had poor role models in my own family. My mother used to let us play in the woods until dinnertime. Unsupervised. Can you imagine? Do you know how much bacteria is in a single teaspoon of dirt?”
But what really pushed her towards helicopter parenting as a lifestyle and not just a momentary parenting fad was the chilling example of her sister Karen’s mothering. “She let her 10-year-old son ride his bike down a flight of stairs.”
Karen disputes this account. “I let him go on a play date with a friend. These things happen, especially with boys. It’s not like I said, ‘Go do something stupid!’ They manufacture stupid quite well without me. At least he had a helmet on.”
It was exactly this kind of lax parenting, however, that propelled Cheryl to make her own organic baby food, disinfect Dylan’s toys, and never allow him a hobby more dangerous than handbell choir.
“Have you seen the B flat bell? You could concuss yourself with it. But we felt that Dylan was up to the challenge. What child doesn’t enjoy an activity with white gloves and hymns?”
Dylan had no comment on this story.
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About the Author
Tracy Schorn is a journalist, blogger, and cartoonist. She runs the popular infidelity support site ChumpLady.com and is the author of “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” (Running Press, 2016). You can follow her on twitter @chumplady.