What follows is an excerpt from my book, Who Pooped on the Corpses? And Other Pressing Life Concerns. If you like what you see, click on the link at the end of the post to order your very own SIGNED copy!
As I ponder my son Alister’s upcoming birthday, I can’t help but reflect on the excruciating pain I was in all those years ago. You see, my son’s birthday may be one day, but all the work that went into getting him here took place the entire day before (Well, I suppose nine months before that, too, but hey – no need to be vulgar here, OK?).
In an attempt not to sour our female friends’ and acquaintances’ perceptions of having babies, we trivialize our birthing experiences, telling them it “didn’t hurt that much” and “you forget about it right away.”
This is all bullshit.
It hurts like hell, and no, you don’t forget about it right away. You NEVER forget about it (I don’t care what anyone says). You just decide the reward of having that sweet and frequently shit-covered bundle is worth what it takes to get him.
As I relive my experiences of yore, I realize we are going about this whole thing all wrong. Instead of keeping our stories to ourselves, sharing only when among women also in the I’ve Given Birth and Managed Not to Murder My Partner Club, we should be advertising that shit in an effort to deter teenage pregnancy.
Yeah. I know, right? Genius.
Here’s what I envision: a group of women touring the country, speaking to crowds of girls about the horrors of pregnancy and birth. Of course there are the highlights to share as well, but we don’t tell ‘em that! It’d be extra effective if we could get women with God-awful birth stories and, if we’re really serious about this thing, a hugely pregnant woman, preferably with cankles the size of soccer balls and a nasty outbreak of spider veins. I was thinking this could be our promotional flyer:
We could even make it a day-long conference thing with breakout sessions and everything. Here are some ideas to get us started:
1. It’s Not a Rubber Band, It’s a Vagina: An In-Depth Look at the Episiotomy
2. Pooping on the Table and Other Destroyers of Your Dignity
3. C-Sections: You Can’t Eat Again Until You Fart
4. “You’ll Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back” and Other Lies They Tell You
5. Cellulite, Stretch Marks, and Crepey Skin: So What if Your Boobies Sag?
6. Nursing Pads and Disposable Undies: And You Thought Skyscrapers Were Big
7. Harvey the Hemorrhoid: Making Friends with Your Bum Hole’s New Residents
I don’t see how this could go wrong.
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