Humor Sex and Relationships SPM/MM

Hand to God, Corn Flakes Were Invented So You’d Stop Masturbating

 

You might be familiar with Corn Flakes. A boring-ass basic breakfast cereal made of, well, corn flakes that was invented in 1894 by John Harvey Kellogg.

This cereal went on to be a bit of a pantry staple for those among us who want to be bored to death at the breakfast table.

Well, it turns out that they are so incredibly mundane for a very specific reason. That reason? Old Kellogg himself wanted to suck the excitement out of your morning so that you could have the strength to fight the urge to play with yourself all day long.

[adsanity id=”35664″ align=”aligncenter”/]

In a book by Kate Devlin called Turned On: Science Sex and Robots, the whole crazy origin story of Corn Flakes was chronicled, which has since catapulted into mainstream news. Totally understandable, since people love masturbation and cereal, and honey, this story has both.

Apparently Kellogg was a 7th Day Adventist and was strictly anti-sex. He created the cereal to be deliberately blandly nutritive, as he believed that a boring diet would help people refrain from satisfying their more base urges, whether this be getting it on with a partner or simply flying solo.

According to dusty ol’ Kellogg, side effects of masturbation included acne, mood swings, and a hankering for spicy food, so I’m gonna have to get y’all to throw a hard side eye at your Sriracha and salsa loving friends. Hey, I’m just the messenger.

[adsanity id=”35667″ align=”aligncenter”/]

To make matters weirder, apparently Kellogg didn’t even want to throw his own wife a bone, which led to them adopting their children. He was fully convinced that sex and sexy thangs were sinful and contrary to his pious nature. Poor Mrs. Corn Flakes.

According to Metro, Kellogg made the cereal to give to patients at the sanitarium that he worked at so that first thing in the morning, their masturbatory urges would be squashed. Rude!

So the next time you’re at the store with your hand hovering above that big ol’ box of corn flakes, with that giant cartoon rooster staring back at you, just remember that every legend has its own origin story, and thank your lucky stars that it’s the 21st century.

You can have your flakes and masturbate to them, too!