One of the great American pastimes is the summer barbeque. And what’s more American than rich white socialites getting drunk on a massive estate?
Everyone’s favorite lifestyle blogger, Gwyneth Paltrow, recently threw an over-the-top garden party and featured it on GOOP to remind the rest of us how poor we are.
GOOP staff decorated the lawn beautifully with candles and bouquets (you know, since it is near impossible to get flowers outside unless they are arranged into a vase). And how did they provide outdoor seating without looking tacky? Pastel couches, bitches. I guess they weren’t worried anyone would get goop on the fabric.
Music for the event was provided by either 1940s Romany Gypsies or a hipster jazz band (this was ambiguous).
To memorialize the event, there was an old-timey photo booth (which I can only assume the gypsies brought with them when they time-traveled from the 1940s).
The menu boasted a roving seafood bar, a cheese buffet, gourmet burgers, and even dessert. It’s just a pity rich white ladies don’t eat.
But they do drink. A lot.
There was a tequila bar and even beer pong. Only instead of beer, they used rosé. And instead of red Solo cups, they used glass tumblers on doilies (natch).
At the end of the night, they all had their Tarot cards read. I’m no psychic, but I’m pretty sure I know what their futures held: gigantic hangovers (on account of the tequila bar, and the rosé pong, and the not eating).
Gwynnie and her friends have shown us, yet again, that there are two Americas: the GOOP 2%, and the other 98%.
I’m part of the 98%.
Ours is the America with backyard barbeques in which the fanciest food offered is Polish sausage from Costco. Ours is the America in which we work 40+ hours per week so that we must drag our kids to garden parties just to spend time with them. Ours is the America whose neighbors would never put a pastel couch on the lawn because they know it will be stained by messy children and guests who actually eat.
The point of GOOP is to give women lifestyle tips for daily activities, but it is usually out of touch. That’s why, as part of the 98%, I normally make fun of her suggestions. However, this time I’m inspired. I’m totally going to copy the rosé pong idea at my next gathering. Only mine will look less like Martha Stewart Living and more like fucking Franzia in plastic cups.
You’re all invited! The more the merrier. Just text so I know how much box wine and meat to grab at Costco.