We all know fashion lately has been … bizarre. As in our cities are either all spiking our water supply with LSD or the world has truly ceased to give a fuck. But Gucci’s new 2019 Men’s collection might just be peak fuckery at its finest.
Posted to the Men’s Journal Online Facebook page, the new line of clothing elicited quite the reaction from followers. And while there are some killer burns to be found in the comments, I’m here to tell you, I’m a bit disappointed in my fellow humankind for not taking this opportunity and running full force with the jokery. I mean, God couldn’t have handed us better material on a platter.
Curious what Gucci has in store for the fella in your life? Allow me to present 2019’s freshest trends.
Casual Sweater on Top, Oops I Forgot My Pants on Bottom
It’s like this model was expecting to simply have a conference call in his living room but was surprised by a sudden need to head into the office real quick to pick up those figures he forgot. Gucci’s definitely taking the whole “no pants” trend to the next level. Don’t want to put on slacks? Just wear this designer adult diaper instead. You’ll be the talk of the town, and not just because you’ll get arrested for indecent exposure.
Bonus: The ’80s throwback prom boutonnierre on this sweater’s non-existent lapel really drives the look home, c’est non?
Is This an Office Meeting or a Boogie Nights Swimsuit Photo Opp?
Dirk Diggler here can’t decide. Or maybe he moonlights as a ballet / salsa dancer and doesn’t have time to change into his leotard and statement jewelry before practice. The look on his face really says it all, though, doesn’t it? “Goddammit, I should have asked for compensation in advance. What’s my pride worth, anyway?” Probably not as much as this heinous ensemble costs, Dirk. Sorry.
Liberace Meets Saturday Night Fever
Someone at Gucci’s been messing around with the Ouija board a little too much. This Michael-Jackson-inspired bedazzled jockstrap wouldn’t be complete without the puffy shirt from Seinfeld, NATURALLY. And the sunglasses/sleep mask? That’s so you can hide your shame at the next staff meeting. And the next time your extended family asks what you’re doing with your life at Thanksgiving.
Velveteen Rabbit Meets S&M
For when you’re feeling like reliving your childhood. Why not bring the Velveteen Rabbit back to life, parade around as though you’re about to infect everyone you love with scarlet fever, but not before you also let them know you’re gonna tie them up and have a little fun with some whips and chains first? Just like that wascally wabbit would have wanted it.
Grandma Dressed Me and I’m Not Happy About It
Get your nostalgia on with this number, handpicked by Grandma Gertie, who force-dressed you in a wool sweater and patched-together Pull-Up pants for school picture day even though it’s 92 degrees outside and you’d rather be dead. The spiky shoes are an ode to your rebellious side, which you were only half committed to and unleashed about 15 years after all your friends had said goodbye to their Goth days.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s Long Lost Tablecloth
Make a statement with this day-to-night 1970s picnic tablecloth, which conveniently also doubles as a kindergarten painting smock. It won’t be red paint you’re repelling from your undergarments, though. It’ll be the hearts and kidneys of your enemies, who just doubled in number after you walked out of the house in this monstrosity.
Mother’s Silk Nightie Makes a Nice Pair of Gaucho Pants
This number is a nod to all the fellas who can’t decide if they want to murder their mothers Psycho-style and walk around in their peeled flesh and lingerie or don a tweed vest and some sensible shoes for a night on the town. Whichever look you’re going for, guys, that hospital scrubs top is the complément that really makes this get-up stand out.
Britney’s Been a Bad, Bad Boy
Oops, you did it again! Feeling bored with your regular office wear? Ready to level up to something a bit bolder? Or maybe you want to show off those tats you got while 15 tequila shots deep on spring break last year? Why not walk into the break room in this fetching garb? Your coworkers won’t know whether you want to have a dance-off or stuff their dismembered bodies into the trunk of your car. Either way, you can’t go wrong with BDSM meets sultry red gem.
Want to see more? How could you not? Check out Gucci’s full spring/summer line below. And try not to blow your whole wad at once, m’kay?