From barely babbling little ones to emotionally underdeveloped teenagers, they are watching the news throw itself at our attention. They are seeing social media as we are…puked upon us with stories about people suffering or in pain.
Death, disease, and tragedies don’t come with a manual. Religion can almost wholly satisfy many with descriptions of afterlife, angels, and “everything happens for a reason,” but even the most spiritual and religious people can’t say with 100 percent certainty that they have all the answers. (Well, they can say it, I suppose, but it doesn’t mean they do). Even people who have devoted their lives to their convictions have doubts.
So how do we answer the innocent? How do we speak to them about things that are so horrific that even we can’t deal with them as adults?
1. Acknowledge their feelings
The very first thing you should do when a child comes to you with lots of questions and statements about something that has hurt them is acknowledge his/her feelings. “Yes, I know you are scared of all the things you have been hearing” or “You are very sad about your fish dying” or “You’re furious that your friend moved away and you’re left behind.” It is important for children to feel heard and validated. If you dismiss them, they will not just forget about it (they might for the moment, but they will still think about it again). Dismissing their feelings about something that may seem little to you tells your children that their feelings are not important. Also, something little to you may be enormous to a five-year-old. If you won’t listen now, they may not come to you later on.
2. Answer Their Questions
We may not at first have all the answers to every question we are asked by our children, but we must find a way to have them. When children ask questions about something involving death, they are sincerely asking to know…to learn….to understand. They may ask a question that seems superfluous to you, but it’s part of their processing. If they ask you if someone in a coffin will be scared of the dark, don’t just tell them no or yes… but tell them why. Give them something.
There will obviously be a varying difference in how you answer a 3-year-old vs. how you’d address an 8-year-old. Mayoclinic.org has a few tips for how to address preschool-aged, elementary/middle, and upper middle/high school children.
For preschoolers, it is important to get down on their level (yes, literally). Look at them eye to eye and tell them what happened and how it affects them. For example, “There were some sick people who are very mean. They hurt lots of people in a different place far away from us. Lots of those people died and everyone is really sad about it. Mommy and Daddy and the police officers are here to protect you, though, so you will be safe.” At this age, they may react to everything by mimicking your emotions and even regressing to old habits like thumb sucking. This is normal. Try not to criticize the regressions; rather, use words like, “Remember our thumbs are not for our mouth” or “You’re a big boy! Let’s take our hand out of our mouth like a big boy” or “You look scared. Do you need a hug?”
For elementary and middle school ages, they are likely to focus mostly on their own safety. They may have lots of questions as well as many rumors that need to be dispelled that directly relate to them. They may come to you with lots of misinformation. Your job if you have an elementary or middle school student is to tell him as much truth as you can without giving unnecessary details that will further traumatize him.
They are likely to react to everything with nightmares, sleep issues, anger outbursts, aggression, or fear of going to school or other places. This is normal. Be present for them, reaffirm their safety often, and validate their fear.
Older children/teens also want more information, but they are also more likely to have strong opinions and viewpoints towards the tragedy. They may come to you, telling you about it as the expert (also likely to have misinformation) as well as a strong stance on how to help or what actions to take. The best way to help them would be to seek out ways to help together. You could find an organization to look into as well as help them research more truthful information so they can actually be well-informed about the facts. At this age, they may react by telling you they aren’t bothered at all, starting random arguments, or resisting authority. This is normal. Realize that the arguments are not meant for you; don’t engage or push back. You can say to them, “What’s really bothering you? It seems like there is something else you’re upset about…can we talk?”
3. Do these…
- Stay calm. (Fake it to make it if you have to.)
- Limit media exposure! (For yourself, too.)
- Maintain your routine-
- Children thrive with structure and boundaries. Even kids who have lost a parent will do better if they go to school the next day. It helps them feel safe.
- Spend more time together.
- Encourage talking about feelings. (SEE STEP ONE!)
- Seek resources at school. If a death or tragedy strikes your family, tell the counselor at your kid’s school. Let her know what is going on so she can give extra support and possibly refer you to see someone regularly.
- Be of service to others. Look up organizations who help (like Red Cross) and donate time, money, or household items. Helping others is the best way to help yourself feel better.
Liv&Leen