Hello, my name is Lola Lolita, and I suffer from bitchface.
Bitchface is a malady afflicting nearly 1/3 of the female population. Occasionally, it can cross gender lines and affect men as well, though usually only men who like other men. Not sure about women who like other women. It might just be a liking other men thing that contributes to the bitchface phenomenon. Men = key bitchface causing component.
Bitchface is characterized by looking like a complete bitch, particularly when you don’t mean to look like anything at all. So basically, one’s face at rest looks exactly how it does when judging or disliking someone or something.
You might suffer from bitchface if people frequently ask what you’re so pissed off about when really you’re just thinking about how cool it would be to guest star in an episode of General Hospital; if people often tell you to smile; or if people misread your demeanor and attempt to provoke you into fighting in public places like, say, Subway (this happened to me), leaving you utterly perplexed and slightly scared for your life.
Sound familiar? Well, the good news is, there’s hope. Here are 9 things you need to do immediately to get rid of your bitchface.
Botox the shit out of your face. Your bitchface is likely the result of the aging process. Years of looking like a bitch have culminated in your current state. Paralyzing all facial muscles will ensure you don’t slip further in bitchfaceitis.
Smile real big and tape your face like that at night. They say sleep is the best way to rejuvenate, so might as well try to reverse that bitchface while doing it. Think Joker with this one. The bigger the smile, the greater the chance of counteracting that nasty bitchface.
Make it a point to open your eyes super wide while sitting emotionless. Doing so will help curb any inadvertent eye rolling or lip curling. Don’t worry about looking like a psychopath. Psychopath > bitchface.
Wear your hair in a ridiculously tight ponytail at all times. The pull on your scalp should help deter some of those sideways glances you’re always giving people and make scowling slightly more difficult.
Don’t think. Like, ever. Thinking is prime bitchface time. Eliminate it altogether.
Pretend everyone and everything you see is a giant cookie or glass of wine. You like cookies and glasses of wine, right? If all you ever see are cookies and glasses of wine, you’ll never unintentionally bitchface it up again.
Look in the mirror, pose yourself in an acceptable expression, and hairspray your face like that. Seek out the extra hold stuff your grandmother often used (I’m talking AquaNet here). Then avoid communicating with anyone all day. If anyone approaches looking like they might want to interact, turn abruptly and run the other way. They may wonder why you’re avoiding them, but they won’t ever accuse you of looking like a bitch while doing so.
Hire a tattoo artist to permanently paint a smile on your face and laugh lines around your eyes. A permanent makeup tattooist is advisable, but anyone willing to ink the bitch right out of your face will suffice.
Lock yourself in a closet. The most fail safe way to get rid of bitchface is to stay away from people in general. Like, completely. People are the number one contributors to bitchface. People suck.
From one bitchface to another, good luck out there. It ain’t easy for a pimp. Or someone with chronic bitchface.