As February comes to a close, we can safely say we have a handle on how 2020 has started, and it’s a bit of a shitshow. However, “shitshow” is nothing new to those of us with kids, as parents are certainly no strangers to fuckery and bullshit. It doesn’t matter what month or what year it is. If you have kids, it’s all a fucking mess.
Luckily we have humor to get us through, even if it does make people clutch their pearls and wonder whether we could possibly love the little critters since we roast them so hard. Yes, Janet, I love the shit out of my kids, but I am big enough to admit when they’re totally ridiculous too. Thanks.
So as we say goodbye to February, let’s also look back at all the hilarious tweets that the funny parents of Twitter gave us. Some may say they’re just tweets, but we all know that what they really stand for is letting us know we aren’t alone in the shitshow. And that shit is special!
1. Ah yes, the personal traveling garbage bin.
My 4yo threw a wrapper on the floor, and I told him to pick it up and put it where it belongs. He put it in my purse. He’s not right, but he’s also not wrong.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020
2. It’s a long game, but it’ll be worth it.
I live in Florida and my kids have never seen snow, so I look forward to the day we can take a trip to a place where they can have that experience.
And if they like it enough, then I'll leave them there.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 26, 2020
3. They don’t rap about wild nights like this, and that’s a tragedy.
Poppin’ birth control pills and chugging cheap wine. Living that gangsta mom life
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) February 26, 2020
4. The fact that you still try is some serious strength of character.
My 9-yr-old daughter is literally never right and yet I've literally never won an argument with her
— Jonesy the Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) February 17, 2020
5. Wow, who’s on trial here??
6: I wanna play my tablet
me: no u need to go outside. No electronics. You need to be active
6: but you're watching TV and on your phone in your pajamas for 2 days now!!!
me: WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT ME!
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 16, 2020
6. “I need my soccer shirt by the end of the day, Mom.”
Me: *being lowered into my grave*
My kids: *throw laundry on top of my casket*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 17, 2020
7. Some legit quality bonding time.
My husband and I enjoy annoying each other so much that sometimes it turns into a competition so don’t tell me married couples don’t do stuff together.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 26, 2020
8. It’s like a fun surprise as you spiral into sleep-deprived panic.
Wish I knew what silly thing I’m going to lay awake and worry about tonight, but noooo. It’s a secret I'm keeping from myself until about 2 a.m.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) February 26, 2020
9. Superheroes come in many forms.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 5, 2020
10. The most powerful creatures in the universe.
It doesn’t matter how much authority you exert over small children when they can simply walk to the bathroom, poop, and then summon you in to wipe their butts. Imagine having that kind of power.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 5, 2020
11. The milestones keep going past those early years.
Would someone please find that baby book I never kept up on? I finally have something to add to the First Time My Beloved Child Said “Salty Bitch” page.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) February 4, 2020
12. Let’s file this under “sounds good in theory,” shall we?
I read your parenting article and all I gotta say is Good luck, lady.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) February 4, 2020
All hail funny parenting tweets for showing us that we aren’t alone!
Happy end of February, and cheers to March! Seriously, who needs counseling when you have 140 characters?