By Becca Carnahan of With Love, Becca

Finally exhausted with humans’ bullshit excuses, the Moon has released an official statement denying any and all responsibility for issues that happen on earth when the moon is “full.”:

I, the Moon, am done being your punching bag.

Kids are being heathens? “Must be a full moon.”

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Dogs won’t stop barking? “Must be a full moon.”

Customers making weird requests today at work? People driving like maniacs? “MUST BE A FULL MOON.”

First things first, earthlings. I am always full. Always. Just because I may look like a crescent moon, or a half moon, or a full moon from your tiny human perspective, I promise I am not going on a yo-yo diet. This is me, all of me. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.

Secondly, take some damn responsibility for your own life! Sure, I’m pretty powerful. Gravitational pull, tides, making romantic scenes in movies look cooler. I get it. But you really need to own your choices.

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Are your kids whining a lot tonight and refusing to go to bed? How much sugar did you bribe them with today, huh? HUH?? Think that bar of chocolate you used to keep them from punching each other at the grocery store wasn’t going to have some repercussions? This one is on you.

Oh, and dogs bark. They always bark. They also bark more when you are too lazy to train them. I may be glowing bright tonight, but it’s a good thing one of us has the lights on upstairs. Smarten up, deal with your dog.

As for the weird or maniacal people, I don’t know, people are weird. All the time. And no one drives all that well. I can see you guys down there.

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Plus, maybe you’re just grouchy because you stayed up too late last night binge watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Which is a great show, don’t get me wrong. But you do understand that you can pause it, right?

Or maybe you’re hungover or generally a cranky person, which has absolutely nothing to do with me and my “fullness.”

In closing, leave me alone. You planted your flag in me, took my rocks, wrote little ditties about me for the amusement of toddlers, and I haven’t said a word. I’m polite like that. But seriously, pull your shit together and stop pretending shadows dictate your life.

Moon, out!

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(The Moon was unavailable for further comment as it had pulled the clouds over its head and honestly is too tired to deal with you anymore.)

*****

About the Author

Becca Carnahan is a mom of two small humans, freelance writer, career coach, and storytelling enthusiast. Find her sharing stories about parenting and career development at With Love, Becca. You can also find her on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter @with_love_becca.