As a mom, I've of course said "eat your dinner" and "put your shoes on" 8 million times. But sometimes I say unexpected things too, like apologizing to my MIL after my child messaged her the f-word.
Humor Parenting

4 Things I Can’t Believe I’ve Said As A Mother

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As a mom, I've of course said "eat your dinner" and "put your shoes on" 8 million times. But sometimes I say unexpected things too, like apologizing to my MIL after my child messaged her the f-word.

By Nadene van der Linden of Unshakeable Calm

Most of the time when I’m parenting, I say a whole heap of things on repeat. My days are full of a long list of boring things that I would rather never hear again, let alone say again in my life.

Put your shoes on, have you brushed your teeth? Put the empty packets in the bin, put your laundry in the hamper. I said only 10 minutes screen time. No, you can’t. Because I said so. Why? Because I said so. Go to bed, go to bed, go to bed. I think you get the picture.

Sometimes I get to say something brand new and totally unexpected. Here are four of the most memorable.

1. I’m sorry that my child texted the “f” word to you….twice.

This one was a surprise because I don’t even use the “f” word in my home. This is what can happen when you create a mystique around the “f” word and your child becomes desperate to find out what the word is and also your child is an early reader. You might, like me, be scrolling through your Facebook feed when your 4-year-old shouts, “I know what the “f” word is. It’s “F*ck!” and you gasp, unwittingly giving confirmation to their theory. You wonder how they worked it out and then you spot it written largely in a meme. Thank you, school moms.

The next natural step for my child was to text her brand new exciting work to her grandmother via iMessage. If you’re wondering if a little moment like this will bring you and your mother-in-law closer, it won’t. After all those years of trying to prove her wrong about your ability to parent despite minimal experience, isn’t it heartening to know that it can all be shot down in one nasty little text message sent by a 5-year-old? A friend suggested the upside was it was awesome that a 5-year-old could text whole words, and I can totally see her point, especially as it wasn’t her child.

2. Siri does not want to talk about buttholes either.

The enthusiasm for talking about anatomy is a phase I’d hoped would pass even before it began. There’s nothing as funny as toilet humor for kids, but who knew it could captivate them for years, or more specifically, that it would captivate my kids for years? And my home is proof that it’s not just boys who get caught up in this.

I’m so tired of having to talk about buttholes, anatomy closely located to buttholes and the sounds and noises associated, that I shut that talk down pretty quickly. Recently my daughter found a new way to continue her amusing conversations with the ever-present and unflappable Siri. And so I found myself saying, “Siri does not want to talk about buttholes either.” Please, Siri, say no or change the conversation so this can end.

3. Go ahead and write all the swear words you know on your whiteboard. Get them out of your system.

Tired of the antics of one of my kids in front of dinner guests at the table, I removed her to her room. In my brilliance, I thought that the answer to this obsession with rude words and the reaction they received was to overexpose them. I know from psychology that when things are repeated over and over without a reaction, they become boring.

So I sat with my daughter as she exhausted her supply of rude words on the whiteboard. She definitely had one of the big ones on her list. I was pleased to see that was the only big one. She still thinks crap is the “c” word and I’m aiming to keep it that way. In a way, my crazy exercise worked. She filled her whiteboard full of every rude word she knew, including every butt word she could think of, and then happily started drawing pictures of princesses and flowers amongst them. All the buzz from the dinner table was taken out of her. So far there’s been no repeat.

4. No, I do not know what onomatopoeia means.

I’m sure by now you’re thinking my kids are a bunch of butthole-obsessed children with a questionable vocabulary, so I think this will prove my kids are also somewhat cultured. Yes, my kids ask me if I know what really big words like this mean. Sometimes I walk into their classes and see language that I did not expect until they were at least teens. Words like persuasive and narrative writing, conjunctions and learning intentions are written on classroom whiteboards. It’s just another example of how much education has changed since I was a kid.

So I get to say things like, “No, I don’t know what onomatopoeia means.” If you’re wondering, onomatopoeia means a word that mimics a sound like “moo,” “screech” and “yip.” I think when I was a kid we called them sound words.

In between all the boring things I say day in and day out, these four statements are some that showcase the crazy that parenting can be. It’s kind of cool to have a few gems to reflect on and giggle about amid the entire daily grind.

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About the Author

Nadene van der Linden is a writer and clinical psychologist in private practice. Nadene is the author of the much-loved “Tales of the Parenting Trenches. A Clinical Psychologist vs Motherhood” available on Amazon. Join the Unshakeable Calm facebook group for science-based tips for calm and confident living. Follow along on her website, Instagram, and Facebook.