By Liv of livebysurprise.com
Are you a loyal American? Do you support Donald Trump? Then you’re probably getting tired of all the PC bullcrap you’ve been reading about on the news. Everyone gets offended by everything anymore.
I’m totally with you. I believe in the right to bear arms. You should be able to kill any animal you want to – using an assault rifle if that’s what you want.
Your wife should be on her knees serving you sammiches while giving you a blow job.
Your wife and children should be completely obedient to you, and you should be able to punish them in any way you see fit – your belt, your hand, a club.
It’s your God-given right as an American.
If you’re interested in making a real statement about being a “REAL American,” you should hire me as a photographer. I will take a photo of you and/or your family that is guaranteed to make the statement that you want to make.
Here are some ideas for family shoots:
1) Want to show your male superiority to the world? How about a pic of your wife bound, gagged, pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen – even better, serving you that sammich you so richly deserve.
2) Disobedient children? How about a pic with your four-year-old daughter over your knee and a belt in your hand? We can even have your eight-year-old son in the background with a second belt.
3) Opponent of gun control? Pics of you and your entire family with guns and ammo (if you don’t have enough guns and camo, photographer will not judge – and has supplies available).
4) Want to be able to kill whatever animal you want? How about a pic of your newborn baby boy nestled atop a freshly killed lion? (I know a dentist who can hook us up).
5) Speaking of the right to bear arms, what about bare breasts? Photographer perfectly willing to take a picture of your wife on a stripper pole with you watching. (Note: Photographer not willing to do breastfeeding photos. That’s just gross).
Each shoot will be a custom-designed experience with memories and photos that will last you a lifetime. Don’t think your photo shoot location meets your needs? I have a black-market copy of Photoshop and a creative mind. I can Photoshop in body parts, explosions, burning crosses, books, or even Mosques.
My clients are not professional models. They’re hunters, baseball players, dentists, rock stars, CEOs. Even if you think you’re not photogenic and your wife and kids are as ugly as a pile of dog crap, I will uncover your inner American, and you’ll absolutely love your photographs.
Contact me to choose an ideal shoot date/time and let me know what YOUR dream shoot is. I believe that if you’ve “always wanted to try this,” you should ASAP. It might just be the experience you’ve been missing.
- Christmas Gifts
- Funeral or Life Celebrations
- Birth of Infant (Only if it’s a boy, though. Little girls are nothing to celebrate and are annoying as shit, and you deserve that peace on Earth.)
- Anniversary Gift
- Calendar Photo Shoot
- Birthday Present
- Any Milestone Celebration!
About the Author
Liv is the pseudonym reformed divorcee and single mom – now married, coparenting and working mother of three. She’s been featured on ScaryMommy, HuffPost Divorce, Your Tango, Club Mid and DivorcedMoms.com. More at livebysurprise.com.