By Jennifer Worrell of Meaningful Connections
“I had no idea you really could get your panties in a wad, but you can,” said Ron Wilson, one of the local firefighters at Station 14. “And it’s dangerous.”
Theodosia Wynn, area helicopter mom, had to be released from her tangled drawers near the front doors of the Whole Foods on Main. Her toddler looked on with interest as the big trucks came.
“It all started this morning,” a tearful Wynn sniffled as EMS tried to remove her arm from the figure-eight of a leg hole in her undies. “My poor baby stuck his hand in the toilet, and I couldn’t get to the antibacterial soap before he put his fingers in his mouth. It was horrible. I was certain he would surely perish from the germs.”
Wynn completely lost it in the Whole Foods parking lot when her little boy spied an ant-encrusted fish cracker on the ground and shoved it in his mouth.
The distraught mom barely made it to the door before her unmentionables engulfed her.
“And it wasn’t even an organic cracker!” she wailed, as a fireman managed to get the crotch of her undies from around her ear. “Organic ones are shaped like bunnies and the fish ones have so many additives!”
Onlookers gathered as firefighters broke out the extraction equipment. Wynn’s hysterical sobs could be heard over the grinding of the tools as she was finally cut loose from her hipster cut, while her son licked the tire on the firetruck.
Upon hearing of Wynn’s plight, Reese Falmouth from the Hillsbury area of town weighed in.
“If she would have had him in a stroller, none of this would have happened,” sniffed Falmouth, as her own kid stuck her finger up her nose, deep enough to scratch her brain, and ate when she found while her mother was talking.
Wynn did have some supporters in the crowd. Once firefighters finally managed to free her, fellow mother Natalie Mason gave Wynn a pat on the shoulder and handed her one of the three bottles of Merlot she had just purchased.
“He’s not the first kid to ever eat off the ground,” Mason noted as the youngest of her three children sniffed the dirt in a potted geranium for sale. “Wine makes everything better.”
After thinking for a minute, Mason added, “If she hadn’t worn underwear today, she wouldn’t be in this mess.”
Wynn was last seen wiping Mason’s handprint off her shoulder and scrubbing her son’s face with some hand sanitizer and a sterile, microfiber cloth. When Wynn turned to dispose of the cloth, her son ate a handful of dirt from the geranium pot.
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About the Author
Jennifer Worrell is a 22 year veteran of the elementary and middle school classroom. She and her husband have been busy raising children for the past 17 years. Jennifer is a stepmom and biomom to four kids and maintains her sanity by writing stories to make you people laugh. You can find more from her on her blog Meaningful Connections, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and her Teachers Pay Teachers Store.