By Britt LeBoeuf of These Boys of Mine
I love fall.
Like legit – I’d live in Halloweentown if it were a real place, give me all the pumpkin spice, foliage is music to my eyes, sayonara summer – LOVE fall.
It’s my happy place.
At least in my heart it is. You see, while fall brings memories of trick-or-treating in the middle of a snowstorm in northern New York, finding the perfect costume and apple picking with my kids, it also brings the changing of the seasons with my depression and anxiety.
Fall brings change. New routines, new ways of doing things, and although I love the change in the weather, it also impacts my mood.
This year is no exception. I can feel the sharp claws of depression trying to grab at me while I’m over here trying to enjoy my favorite season.
Life hasn’t been helping my cause either lately. I’ve been in a rough patch. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal struggles that have left me feeling sad and let down. While that’s all part of everyday life for so many, for someone with depression, it can be that extra layer of yucky stuff that makes it harder for us to fight our battle.
While all year long I feel its presence, it chooses this time of year to come out of the woodwork of my optimistic heart and attempt to ruin my pursuit of happiness.
It’s tough. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been struggling. Depression has been winning the past month or so. It’s been kicking my ass. Coupled with the struggles mentioned above, I’ve been feeling like real shit lately.
But, today I woke with a new perspective. I took the time to really examine what has been going on in my life – the stress of a special needs child entering kindergarten in a mainstream school, the effects that staying at home with my kids has had on my sense of self-worth, and as always, the added stress of feeling like I’m not contributing to our household financially. I discussed all of these things with my doctor, and by doing so, we were able to pinpoint that I have really been putting off most forms of self care for a very long time, which is likely what triggered this bout of depression.
I’ve come to the conclusion that depression is going to win if I let it. If I just sit in it and let it spread across my life like a wildfire that’s thirsty for destruction, it will ruin me. Without remorse or question.
What depression doesn’t know is that I’m stronger than it. I have a heart that knows pain, disappointment, and also have the burden of being the person that often has to be the one to see the truth in people. I also know that between the overcasting skies there is light. There is a heart that is still full of so much love and light. There is a person that’s been hurt and let down but still looks for the good in people.
Most of all there is a woman that will always struggle with this terrible burden called depression. A woman that wants to help others with their own battles. A woman that isn’t afraid to admit when she’s having a hard time or feeling down. Speaking up is half of the journey. Getting help is the second part. I’m currently doing both. I hope if you are in the same boat, you will too. You are too important not to.
A version of this post was originally published on These Boys of Mine / Facebook.
About the Author
Britt is a married mother of two from upstate NY. Her background is in human services, but nowadays she spends her days wiping butts and answering hundreds of questions from her kids instead. You can read more of her stuff on her blog theseboysofmine.com or www.facebook.com/theseboysofminebybrittleboeuf.