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The other day at lunch, my colleague was telling us about a great new product she discovered to help her kitty cat cope with the stress of riding in the car. It’s called Feliway, and it’s basically a package of kitty wipes that release calming cat pheromones when smeared on a cat carrier or any other cat thinger-ma-jig housing a stressed out pussy (I know what you’re thinking, and I want you to know that I’M ALSO DEFINITELY THINKING IT, TOO).

Before actually seeing a picture of the product, I assumed it was spelled “Feel-Away,” and I thought this was ingenious because presumably the aim of the product is to make kitty cat feelings go away, and what better way to represent this than through a name like “Feel-Away”? When I discovered it was spelled “Feliway,” I got doubly excited because not only does the name suggest the eradication of feelings, but it also plays on the word “feline,” and that was just about as much clever as I could handle at that precise moment in time.

This has nothing to do with anything except that it got me thinking about how cats aren’t the only creatures who could benefit from a product that magically makes feelings disappear. For example, I know my dog could definitely use something like this. He’s stressed out by fireworks, thunder, plastic bags, and general existence, and he usually copes with his anxiety by shaking, shitting all over my floor, and trying to climb inside my skin. We’ve tried doggy Valium but to no avail, for instead of calming him down, it turns him into kujo with one purpose: to destroy everything and everyone in his path. If they made something that caused him to go sort of numb without also looking like he’s suffering through his third heroin overdose, I’d totally buy that.

I also know more than a few people (self included) who could benefit from a product that makes feelings go away. I realize we already have this and it’s called Prozac, but I’m talking about something a bit more specialized. Something that targets specific feelings we’re either not really interested in entertaining at that exact moment, feelings that we just can’t even ever, or feelings we can no longer endure in others. Feelings such as/brought on by:

• road rage
• PMS-induced self-pity
• nervousness
• intolerance
• anything caused by pregnancy hormones
• inadequacy
• sadness
• Mondays
• anger resulting from exhaustion
• anger resulting from ignorance
• anger resulting from people chewing with their mouths open
• generalized anger
• skinny jeans
• self-deprecation
• unreasonable arrogance
• inflated self-importance
• paranoia
• extreme sensitivity
• hunger
• homicidal tendencies
• defeat brought on by children’s incessant crying/whining/questioning/laughing/close proximity
• mania
• psychopathic tendencies
• dumb
• horniness
• lack of horniness
• unfounded happiness
• excessive positivity
• excessive negativity
• apathy
• excitability
• morning
• running out of coffee
• running out of alcohol
• meetings about meetings
• other people’s children/other people’s behavior/just people
• Sarah McLachlan

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I’m thinking they should call it “Feels-B-Gone” and market different versions of it based on the types of feelings consumers are interested in eliminating and/or rendering themselves incapable of internalizing. Possible versions include:

• Feels-B-Gone: Crowded Restaurant
• Feels-B-Gone: Overly Chipper Coworker
• Feels-B-Gone: Nosy Neighbor
• Feels-B-Gone: So You Got Dumped
• Feels-B-Gone: Husband Ate Last Piece of Chocolate Pie
• Feels-B-Gone: Kid Crapped on Carpet

I’m also thinking it should come in myriad forms:

• pills
• syrup
• coffee creamer
• wipes
• spray
• perfume/cologne
• shots (the alcoholic kind)
• shots (the injectable kind)
• something smokable
• taser

I don’t understand how nobody’s come up with this yet.

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