By Anna Gracia of TheSnarkyReviewer.com

Glitter is one of those things you either love or hate, like cilantro or Napoleon Dynamite. So let’s be honest: the type of person who clicks on this article probably isn’t going to be swayed to give up their tacky habit just because someone tells them that tiny bits of plastic are disastrous for the environment.

With that in mind, let’s explore the various body surfaces you can coat in the sparkly stuff in the name of “fashion” without looking like you just stepped out of a strip club:

1. Eyelids

I’m not talking glitter eye shadow—that’s for the cowards that use pre-mixed glitter nail polish. I’m talking pinches of loose glitter, stuck to your eyelids with an adhesive that apparently exists for just this purpose. I’m not totally certain the risk/reward ratio is there, what with the propensity for tiny granules of plastic to work their way into your eyeballs, even when they’re not in the vicinity of your face, but it’s certainly the least revealing of your body glitter trend options.

2. Lips

Oh, yum, the taste of something that looks like sugar sprinkles, but isn’t actually edible. Who wouldn’t want to spend their night accidentally swallowing tiny pieces of colored plastic in the hopes of taking one perfectly pouty selfie?

3. Boobs

Much like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue body painting, this trend is for people who are perfectly willing to be naked in public, but don’t want to seem like the kind of person who would be naked in public. Enter: glitter! Splash a little over your areolas (since that’s the only part of your breasts that need to show to really be considered “topless” anyway) and viola! You are now considered a “free spirit” or “Coachella attendee” no matter where you actually wear this.

4. Butts

Admittedly, this holds the most appeal, as a thick coat of glitter could cover even the most stubborn stretch marks and cellulite. But I have questions about the number of people that need to be involved to apply this glitter. Like, how intimate must you be with these people before asking them to crouch next to your behind and meticulously glue shades of glitter to it? And where does your friendship go after this? Where does it end?

5. Vulva

Known as “vajazzling,” gluing glitter to your lady bits is only slightly more appealing than eating a Tide Pod. This trend is not for the faint of heart, or the sexually active. Because the only thing worse than eating glitter or getting it into your eyes is coming down with a raging yeast infection from repeatedly rubbing scratchy foreign contaminants over your privates. Then having to go tell your doctor about it.

6. Vagina

Yes, yes, I know some people don’t know the difference between the two, but rest assured, your vagina is quite different than your vulva. And we wouldn’t be the freest country in the world if we didn’t allow women to put actual capsules of glitter into their vaginas. So…it’s a thing. But please, if you’ve made it this far down the list and are still tempted to try it, read this guide first.

*****

About the Author

Anna Gracia is a writer in San Francisco. Her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, Motherwell Magazine, Mock Mom, and more. She writes about movies and the occasional book at TheSnarkyReviewer.com. You can follow her on Twitter @hapasareasian.