What happens when you let a toddler pick your back-to-school attire? Hilarity, that's what.
Humor Life Parenting

Fashionably Irrational: Letting My Toddler Decide My Back-to-School Attire

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What happens when you let a toddler pick your back-to-school attire? Hilarity, that's what.

By Lisa Carmody Doiron of Momologues.

Sigh…

As fall breezes in, it’s time to put away the flip flops and sundresses and replace them with…umm…ah… I don’t know…turtlenecks?

Seriously, I don’t know anything about fashion. I’ve always been a little behind in the clothing department, and since having kids, it’s really gone down the escalator. (See, I can’t even make a good mall pun.)

I buy all my clothes at the grocery store. There. Now you know all my dirty secrets. Somewhere between cereal and frozen entrees, I sneak over to the outfits and toss a few things in the cart. I wear those same items in rotation until they a) smell b) shrink c) disintegrate.

But as back-to-school season falls upon us, I thought I best get some input on what to wear. I called on someone youthful; someone with dramatic flair…someone with opinions on everything: My toddler. That’s right, folks. I’m letting my toddler decide my back-to-school attire.

Me: Buddy, what should Mommy wear to work?
Toddler: That.
Me: My pajamas?
Toddler: No, no, no, that one. Mickey Mouse.
Me: My Mickey Mouse pajamas?
Toddler: Mm hmm…

pj pants

Me: What about on my feet?
Toddler: Hubba boots.
Me: Why should I wear my rubber boots to work?
Toddler: Mommy diggin’ in the garden.
Me: Is that what Mommy does for work?
Toddler: No, no, no, teacher.
Me: So why should I wear rubber boots if I’m a teacher?
Toddler: Rainin’.
Me: In case it rains?
Toddler: Yeah.

boots

Me: Should I wear a shirt?
Toddler: No, no, no, this one.
Me: My “I Only Date Musicians” t-shirt?
Toddler: Mm hmm.
Me: Good thing Daddy’s a drummer.
Toddler: Mommy, me want Daddy.
Me: Daddy’s at work.
Toddler: NO! DADDY!!
Me: No, you’re stuck with Mommy…unless I get a sex change. Then you’d have TWO DADDIES!!!
Toddler: ME WANT TWO DADDIES!!!
Me: No way. There are some things I’m not willing to do…even for you.
(toddler has meltdown)

t shirt

***time passes***

Toddler: Mommy, milk.
Me: You want some milk, buddy?
Toddler: Yeah.
(hand sippy cup to toddler)
Toddler: No, no, no, Mommy, milk, work.
Me: You want me to bring milk to work?
Toddler: In the school bag.
Me: Ooo, you’re accessorizing…how cutting edge.

backpack

Me: Now what about my hair? How should I do my hair?
Toddler: No, no, no, hat on.
Me: Mommy doesn’t like hats.
Toddler: This one.
Me: That’s Daddy’s hat.
Toddler: Me WANT TWO DADDIES!!!!
(toddler has meltdown)

***more time passes***

Toddler: Mommy, hair, Woo! Woo! Woo!
Me: Should Mommy wear a ponytail or a bun?
Toddler: No, no, no, cookie.
Me: There’s no such hair style as a cookie.
Toddler: No, no, no! No bun. Me want cookie.
Me: No, it’s almost supper time.
Toddler: COOKIE FOR SUPPER!!!
Me: No way.
Toddler: COOKIE FOR SUPPER!!!
Me: FINE. Have a cookie for supper. I can’t bear another meltdown. I’m wearing a bun.
(hand cookie to toddler)
Toddler: Ooo! Cookie!
Me: I give up.

bun

And now, folks, time for the final reveal—your fall fashion preview straight from the source of all things irrational.

final outfit
Clearly I give up in more ways than one.

This post was originally published on Momologues.

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About Lisa Carmody Doiron

Lisa lives in PEI, Canada with her husband and two boys. She blogs regularly at Momologues. Her stories have also been featured on Blunt Moms, Mom Babble, Mommikin, What the Flicka? and Mamalode. When she’s not writing, she teaches music at a local public school.