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Fashion Dos and Don’ts for Women Over 50 Wearing Full Kevlar Body Armor and Running for POTUS

Fashion Dos and Don'ts for Women over 50 Wearing Full Kevlar Body Armor and Running for POTUS

By Tiffany Midge

Your days driving him wild in the bedroom might be over, but that doesn’t mean you have to completely give up. Running for POTUS doesn’t mean you have to dress like Margaret Thatcher. Your dowager hump isn’t that noticeable! The public might say that you’ve mastered the art of resting bitch face, but you can still project confidence in your resting bitch body, full Kevlar protection, cankles, and all! All it takes is a good stylist and a little bit of magic for you to feel fabulous at any age.

Fashion dos and don’ts:

Wear full-body Spanx over your bullet proof vest. This will help to eliminate any unsightly bulges that the body armor creates. For greater results, go nuts and wear two pairs of Spanx—yes, I said TWO MOTHERFUCKING PAIRS—over the Kevlar. The additional layer will provide extra insurance and smooth out those trouble areas. If you want to get even more crazy, go ahead and invest in three pairs. It couldn’t hurt. You’re no spring chicken.

Keep in mind that while Kevlar protection will come in handy during an attempt on your life, it doesn’t protect your head. A security helmet is always a great investment! There are several different styles and colors that will mix and match beautifully with your David Byrne boxy jackets. An added plus, you don’t have to have your hair ‘did,’ and you’ll drive those bitches on the Supreme Court green with envy with your badass Evel-Knievel-looking self.

What will make that kindergarten teacher smock frock really pop? Motherfucking POCKETS, bitch! Pockets big enough for a couple of glocks and handfuls of butterscotch candies. Pockets aren’t just for cargo pants anymore. Nothing says I’m large and in charge like some huge ass pockets.

Wear power colors. Forget pastels; save those for Chelsea’s shabby-chic guest quarters in the White House. Forgo those warm jewel tones, too. Nothing says long in the tooth like wallpaper colors from a pre-WWII roadhouse. Your pallet should be presidential, and that means taking a page from The New Zoo Review and getting on board with primary colors just like Henrietta Hippo. Think red, royal blue, yellow, and orange.

Distract the eye from your midriff with contrast colored piping or even some rickrack. You’re the future leader of the free world — go for it! Avoid scarves at the neck or large, beaded necklaces. While those tactics will distract from your midsection and draw attention to your face, they will also be an alluring noose for any would-be assassin should your bodyguard be lax on the job. While accessorizing like an Iris Apfel wannabe might be tempting, try and resist the urge.

Remember (if you still can), a woman on the verge of presidency is a woman who has little time for fussing around with her wardrobe. Normal fashion rules don’t apply. Those are for the peasants, the little people. Definitely not a queen.

And you are a queen, bae.

*****

About the Author

Tiffany is an assistant poetry editor for The Rumpus, and a humor columnist for Indian Country Today Media Network. She has published in Sovereign Bodies, Queen Mob’s Teahouse, The Toast Butter Blog, The Rumpus, and Waxwing. She holds an MFA from the University of Idaho, and is enrolled with the Standing Rock Sioux, and is poet laureate of Moscow, Idaho. One day she hopes to be the distinguished writer in residence in Seattle’s Space Needle. She opines on Twitter @TiffanyMidge.Â