By Shana Genre of Portlandish

For centuries, baby wearing has been helping women wash dishes, fold laundry, and sweep the floor. Yet today’s woman wants more than chores. She wants respect. She wants speed. She wants heroism.

Extreme Babywearing, LLC has designed several carriers that will help today’s independent woman break the glass ceiling, or at least have fun trying!

Party Carrier

Nicknamed the “Mother’s Little Helper” by our most devoted customers, this option is just what you need to have a good time. This carrier features a cupholder for your beverage of choice, along with an optional, detachable straw and funnel that can be used for parent or child. It also includes sound-blocking earmuffs that will protect your child’s sensitive eardrums while you dance and drink the night away. The large hideaway pocket is the perfect place to stash your cash, card, or weed.

Motorcycle Carrier

The Motorcycle Carrier © allows you to taste the freedom of the road while ensuring that your child has your back—literally! Our patented, lightweight steel frame and water-resistant fabric will keep your little one warm, dry, and secure as you take hairpin turns along the Big Sur. The featured reflective stripe will keep you and your little one safe, even in the darkness after last call. Infant helmet purchased separately.

Hunting Carrier

The Hunting Carrier © lets you bag a buck in the great north woods or stalk lions on the African veldt, all without having to go through the trouble of hiring a babysitter! Its detachable rifle toy will allow your child to play while learning about responsible gun ownership at the same time. Attached sound-cancelling earmuffs will deaden the sound of your shots so that your baby can nap right through all of the fun. Colors: hunter orange, classic camouflage, or pink camouflage.

Sibling Carrier

Inspired by a customer’s idea, the Sibling Carrier © is designed to let you to take a break while one of your rugrats earns his keep. After all, why should Mom do all of the work? This carrier is engineered for smaller frames and can be safely used by children aged 4-12. Shoulder strap features a refillable candy dispenser that can be used to motivate a less cooperative child.

Swim Carrier

Can’t afford a gym membership but still want to perfect your crawl? Then take the plunge and try our Swim Carrier ©! The vinyl exterior repels water as you snorkel along the shoreline. Our custom infant Aqua-lung will allow both you and your baby to breathe easy while you practice your backstroke. This highly versatile design can be used in the pool, lake, or even your home shower.

Lean-In Carrier

Achieve parity with our Lean-In Carrier ©, designed for busy women who can’t find affordable childcare. This model features a unique breast pump that allows you to discreetly funnel liquid gold to your little one while you man the board meeting. Infant colostomy bag can be attached to your baby’s adorable bum so that you don’t have to stop to change diapers. Small microphone and battery pack included so that you can be heard over the booming voices of your male colleagues.

Daddy Carrier

The Daddy Carrier © is a standard carrier, yet any man who wears it will find himself the recipient of compliments and assistance from complete strangers. “You’re doing an incredible job,” the librarian will say at the weekly singalong. “Do you want me to bring this to your table?” the cute barista will ask, glancing sympathetically at the heavy load you bear on your midsection. This carrier’s front pocket is the perfect place for your iPhone and will allow you to keep up with Reddit while everyone admires what an incredible parent you are.

Combat Carrier

Want to show your patriotism but don’t dare to leave your your baby with the in-laws? Then enlist today! The Combat Carrier’s © built-in holster allows you to safely stow your gun away so that you can move hands-free through a war zone. Our patented bulletproof fabric will shield your little one from gunfire, and the detachable helmet will keep his tender fontanelle safe from the shrapnel and grenades so prevalent in war zones. Colors: olive drab, basic fatigue, mount-batten pink, or desert storm.

Coming soon: Extreme Babywearing’s Intimate Carrier ©, because postpartum sex is too hard to come by!

Extreme Babywearing, LLC does not assume responsibility for any liability that may arise as a result of using our carriers.

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About the Author

Shana Genre writes, parents, and teaches in Portland, ME. Her writing has been featured in McSweeney’s. Read more of her writing at Portlandish: Satire and Humor from the First Portland.