By Andrew Knott of Explorations of Ambiguity
Yes, the President of the United States is probably colluding with Russia to undermine the country he’s supposed to be leading, and that does seem kind of bad. But what all the Chicken Littles are forgetting is there are plenty of other people and things that are closely connected to Russia or are in Russia or come from Russia or something.
What about all of those people and things? Why is no one talking about them? Everyone is all, “treason,” “espionage,” “Putin,” and “biggest scandal in American history!” Hypocrites.
1. Maria Sharapova
Remember the star Russian tennis player who speaks English without an accent because she has lived in the U.S. most of her life? Suspicious! What is she really up to? You know what she’s been doing the past two years? Trick question. Nobody does because she’s been suspended from tennis for doping. HOW IS THIS NOT ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE NEW YORK TIMES?!
2. Those freaky nesting dolls
Why are we still letting these exquisitely-detailed, hand-crafted crimes against humanity into our country? Putting dolls inside of dolls is just wrong! Is no one in the Crooked Media chasing this story? Your mom probably has at least one of these atrocities in her house right now. GO CHECK!
3. That weird cathedral
What. The. Hell. Why are there so many colors? Is it supposed to be an amusement park or a church? Outrageous! Why have we let it sit there and mock our very existence with its garishness for centuries? IT MUST BE DESTROYED!
4. Those ridiculous fur hats
Are we still pretending that these make any sense at all? Sure, it’s cold there, but what about global warming? Which is fake, of course, but still! JUST PUT A LIVE BEAR ON YOUR HEAD AND GET IT OVER WITH!
It’s a trash drink. Sorry, but it had to be said. Literally no one is talking about how mixing orange juice and vodka and calling it a cocktail is pretty much treason! Talk about a real scandal.
A version of this post was first published on Bullshit.ist