Essential oils are great and all, but how about some that actually solve life's problems? Like oils for mommy-rage or oils that keep my house clean?
Humor SPM/MM

Essential Oils We Wish Were Real

Essential oils are great and all, but how about some that actually solve life's problems? Like oils for mommy-rage or oils that keep my house clean?

By Heather Jones of hmjoneswriter.com

“Have you heard about essential oils?” Yes. Yes, we have. Ad nauseam. Whether it is a friendly MLM sales rep, the latest viral wellness post, or Judy at the grocery store, people are eager to get the word out about the miracle that is essential oils. Unfortunately, science says that while essential oils are helpful for some things, like relaxation, some topical skin uses, etc., the vast majority of the benefit claims are not true.

Dammit. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to have an oil for everything that ails us? But as long as we are imagining essential oils to be a cure-all, let’s get creative. Here are some essential oils we really could use.

ESSENCE OF EFFOFF

Someone a little too up in your business? Annoying comments on your social media post? A few drops of Effoff should take care of that.

APOCOLYPTUS

The world is a steaming garbage fire at the moment. Let the calming scent of Apocolyptus whisk you away from the reminder that everything sucks, and we’re all doomed.

YOULANE MYLANE

Diffuse a bit of this in your car to take care of idiot drivers who cut you off and never signal.

CRANKINCENSE

Instantly calms overtired babies and angsty teenagers.

SORRYANDER

Have a partner who is never wrong? A colleague who keeps screwing you over? Grab that necklace infuser and they won’t be able to resist owning up to their mistakes and misdeeds.

ALLNICE

Seriously, can’t we all just get along? Well, now we can! Turn your tense living space into a den of “I love you, Man”s.

REDAWAY SEED

Tired of getting stuck at every red light when you’re running late? A healthy dose of Redaway Seed will ensure all your traffic lights are green, the way they should be.

CHEERMINT

Need some encouragement? We’ve got you covered.

RAGE OIL

Burn some of this to rid your house of the energy created when the toilet seat is left up – again. Or when someone eats your last cupcake. Or when you step in cat puke with clean socks. Basically, when you find yourself saying, “Are you friggin’ kidding me?” it’s time to whip out the rage oil.

REMEMBEROL

Why did I come in this room? Where are my keys? What day is it? Who am I and wtf am I doing? Sound familiar? Sounds like you need a touch of Rememberol.

STAETHAFUCLEAN

We spend all day tidying and washing floors and furniture, doing laundry, cleaning counters, washing dishes, only to have it messed back up again moments later. We could use some help extending that fresh clean house feeling.

ORDERITE

Ask for a double-double, get a no cream-twelve sugars? Swing through the drive thru to avoid hauling your small army of children out of the car, only to discover halfway down the road that part of your order is wrong or missing? Next time, use some orderite first.

LAUNDRANIUM

This turns the demeaning, boring, menial task of laundry into Club Med-worthy excitement.

METABOMILE

Add one or two drops to your food and eat whatever you like while maintaining your desired body weight.

BITCHRONELLA

Each drop gives you the ability to complain honestly and emphatically about anything to anyone for thirty seconds without consequence.

Science is science, there’s no denying it. But I, for one, can’t wait for the day that there really is always “an oil for that.”

This post was originally published on YMC: Motherhood Unfiltered.

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About the Author

Heather is a freelance writer and mother of two young boys. She is a regular contributor to online parenting publications such as Yummy Mummy Club and the Savvymom group of sites. She’s also been a featured writer on the CBC, HuffPost, Ravishly, and others. Read more at hmjoneswriter.com.