Every once in a while, I stumble upon a headline and think, “Are you shitting me?”
Well, shitting you, I’m not.
Emile Ratelband, a motivational speaker from the Netherlands, is petitioning a court to change his legal age from 69 to 49 by changing his birth certificate to reflect a date 20 years later than when he was actually born. The Dutchman’s reasoning? He feels much younger than his age and believes being officially 49 would offer more opportunities in life and on dating apps.
That’s right: Dude wants to cruise for chicks on the information superhighway, but with, like, misinformation. And probably an unreliable “stick shift,” if you know what I’m saying.
Are you weirded out yet? Well, I hope you’re sitting down because shit’s about to get cray cray.
On his personal website, he has this to say:
Emile has 7 children, a steady relationship with the woman of his dreams, doesn’t work but fulfills his mission, believes in health, family and gnostics, is age focus is to turn at least 94 years old and to then leave this world healthy and with pleasure when it has become a better place for everyone.
So 1) He wants to have more success in dating even though he is admittedly ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP, and 2) He is apparently a motivational speaker but can’t string together a fucking sentence because what the hell does he even mean?
This guy has clearly spent too much time under a Dutch oven. If he gets to change his legal age, I’m going to petition the court to change a few things about myself as well.
I would like my legal weight to be 100 lbs.
New official height? 5′ 8″.
My job title will henceforth be “Doctor of Tomfoolery.”
My mortgage will legally change to $5.
That woman I call Mother-in-Law will be known as Stank Dragon.
My bra size is now a 32DD.
My birth hospital is no longer in a dumpy town outside of Chicago. I feel more Parisian.
Also, if the court could photoshop the newborn footprint on my birth certificate, that would be great. The nurse didn’t get my best baby angle.
In all seriousness, if anyone is on Tinder and runs into this jackass, swipe left.