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Drunk Birds Are Out of Control in Minnesota

Hey, welcome, and thanks for clicking on this link. Drunk birds. Who could resist? Not you, and for that we owe you our undying gratitude.

Yeah, so, there really is a flock of drunk birds causing all kinds of trouble in Gilbert, Minnesota, according to the Washington Post. This isn’t some sort of ploy to get you to click and then read on to discover there are no drunk birds to speak of. There are definitely drunk birds. And they’re narrowly escaping death by unintentional vehicular homicide and shit. It’s intense.

Apparently these birds have been eating fermented berries that, due to an early frost, got all spiked-up sooner than usual, and now they’re flying haphazardly into people’s windshields on the road and straight up dropping dead on their decks.


It seems the young birds’ livers are incapable of processing the toxins, leading to drunk and disorderly fowl. And it’s not some unheard of phenomenon.

Birds are getting lit all over the place, peeps!

From cedar waxwings to robins, birds are over-indulging all over the US and Canada, leading one wildlife center in Portland to concoct a sort of “drunk tank” for birds, which are likely stocking up on the turned berries for winter before flying south, not aware that they’re getting as fucked up as a freshman at a frat party in the process.

The good news, though, is that while ingesting too many jello shots fermented berries can be deadly to the birds, most will recover. The same can’t be said for their pride, though.

In the meantime, while Gilbert, Minnesota police do say there’s no need to contact authorities about birds that appear a little happier than usual, residents should feel free to forward any reports of “Woodstock pushing Snoopy off the doghouse for no apparent reason, Big Bird operating a motor vehicle in an unsafe manner, the Roadrunner darting in and out of traffic on Main Street,” or “any birds making a late-night run to Taco Bell.”

So not unlike a random Saturday night in any number of college towns — or nights when I can actually score a babysitter.

I’ll keep my eyes peeled.