By Melissa Haney
If you are the mom of an athlete or a self-confessed band nerd, then you have probably been sent the same annoying-ass text that I received this week. You hear the notification on your phone and instantly know what it is. You cringe as you read the text that says, “Can you work the concession stand at Friday night’s game?”
I absolutely do not want to work the concession stand on Friday night. I never do. I work with the general public all week long and I sure as hell do not want to do it when I am off that clock. Don’t get me wrong now, I am glad my child is working hard at a sport and building her skills with communication, teamwork, and integrity, but that does not mean she needs to drag me into her world of stay-at-home moms and community advocates who dedicate their lives to bettering the human race by serving it convenience-store-quality food items.
I can see it all now. Being exhausted after working my regular job and having complete strangers yell food orders at me like the speaker at Burger King. Me standing over a stale tray of nachos while I pour fake cheese over them and try to act happy that I’m adding to some poor idiot’s cholesterol problem. I just don’t have enough love or patience for people after I finish my regular job at the end of the week. There is a very high chance my shift at the concession stand would end in disaster and someone would get their feelings hurt and possibly have some physical pain as a bonus. Not to mention trauma as a parting gift.
I am just not after-school material. I wasn’t as a kid and I am not as an adult. I pay my kid’s sports fees, participate in fundraisers, and donate items needed for different things. I believe I already do my fair share. Over the last three years I have gotten very creative at delivering different excuses to get myself out of fried food hell. If any of these apply to you, feel free to use them next time super booster mom hits you up to work the stand of certain doom.
1. No babysitter
If you have small kids, go to town on this one. Super booster mom has no idea what schedule you or the spouse has. You made those little monsters so you might as well use them for something good, right?
2. Visiting a relative in assisted living
Make plans to randomly visit a resident at the local nursing home. Just walk in and start talking to the first old person you can find. They won’t have a clue who you are because they don’t even know who they are. It’s a win for you and you are also brightening someone’s day with your down right, lying-ass scheme.
3. Working a second job
Tell super volunteer mom that you work a second job in another town—even if really you spend your Friday nights walking around Walmart or going to the movies. Just say you “work part time with marketing and cultural exposure,” which you kind of are.
4. No vehicle
Hey, if the car needs work there is nothing you can do about that. Oil changes, brakes, tune ups, all of that is important. This one only works if you have a dedicated anti-social friend who will drop the kid off for game night for you, so you are not seen rolling around in the ride that is supposedly in the shop. This is where true friendship lies—with other sneaky-ass moms who go above and beyond and refuse to even attend the game, period. Everyone needs a positive role model in their life.
5. Being under the weather
If you work in health care, this is the jackpot. Coming in contact with all those germs, all day long, is very risky. There is no telling what you can pick up. Colds are the worst and so are scabies. I do not believe there is a limit on how many times you can contract diarrhea in a single season.
I have rotated these excuses for the last three years. You would think super booster mom would get the damn idea and leave me alone. At the end of my Friday workday, I just want to be left alone so I can have some quiet time to unwind and a little peace while at least one child is out of the house for a few hours. I think I deserve it. Raising kids and working full time is hard and if I don’t take the necessary steps for self care, then I’m pretty sure I will end up on Snapped. Use these excuses, and make them the very best they can be!
About the Author
My name is Melissa Haney and I am a wife and mother. I work full time and make mistakes full time as well. Every aspect of my life is complicated but I try to smile everyday and do the best I can. Cheers to us who keep it moving!