Health Humor

Don’t Put That in Your Vagina: A Guide for People Who Don’t Know Any Better


First jade eggs, then wasp nests, then glitter bombs, and God knows what else. WTF is going on with women’s obsession with putting ridiculous things in their vaginas?

So in case you don’t know any better (and apparently this needs to be said), this is a list of things you absolutely should not put in your vagina:

  • Live bees
  • Anything your cat coughed up
  • Needles
  • Chicken eggs
  • Any poultry eggs, really
  • Vegetables you plan to consume later
  • Dryer lint
  • Tuna fish
  • Batteries
  • Bleach
  • Sawdust
  • Hot glue
  • Poison ivy
  • Bicycle pump
  • Rhinoceros horn
  • Smoke detector
  • Eiffel Tower replicas
  • Matchbox cars
  • Pumice stones
  • Taco shells
  • Sand
  • Scissors
  • Fireworks
  • Chili peppers
  • Hamsters
  • Potpourri
  • Giant foam fingers
  • Mummies
  • Lead paint
  • Moth balls
  • Ice cream sandwiches
  • Fish hooks
  • Pizza cutter
  • Light bulbs

This list is by no means all-inclusive, so if you find yourself wondering whether or not you should jump onto the latest trend of shoving a Starbucks unicorn frappuccino into your vagina, just ask: WWGD? What Would Gwyneth Do? And if it seems like it’s something Gwyneth Paltrow would tell you to put in your vagina, don’t.


About the Author

Anna Gracia is a writer in San Francisco. Her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, Roar, Mock Mom, and more. She writes about movies and the occasional book at You can follow her on Twitter @SnarkyReviewer.